Why does this crap only happen to me?

It's not Halloween... but everyone was trick-or-treatin' just the same. Jeb was out in his Dragon costume... some of you were even lucky enough to get pictures of him... I know I know... He's adorable...

Anyway... Julie went trick-or-treating with him... of course it's not really trick-or-treating at that age... it's showing off the baby, which is why I sent Julie to do it. I stayed home to man the front porch and pass out candy.

So I lit up a stoge, popped open a corona, and set up shop on the front porch. For some reason we had huge numbers of kids come by this year... And it I can assure it was fine time... Well... most of it was...

Everyone who came by commented on the bike. Kids all ooo'd and ahh'd... as did their Dad's... and a couple Mom's too! On guy even asked if it was a Ducati. Of course I quickly said, "Yup.. sure is!"

So like I said, things were goin' along right nice... Until... the three girls come stollin' up...

Now... Understand... These girls were... somewhere between 12 and 14... in costumes that were a mixture of almost to revealing... and blantantly sexy. They were bein' bad... they knew it... and they liked it... It was like watching the 8th grade version of Spring Break.

Anyway... They gratuitously praised the bike... and begged for the obligatory ride... I played it cool though... until one of them pointed at the Corona and said, "How about ya skip the candy and gimmie one of those?"

Feeling oh so uncomfortable I said, "I'm sorry darlin'. Ain't no Corona in the candy bowl."

At this point... she hikes one leg up on to the second step... leans in... close but not to close... and says, "I'll make it worth your while."

I screamed in my head for a few seconds.... praying... begging God to remove me from this horrible situation... wishing I could find a gun to shove in my mouth and end my misery myself... but it was not to be...

Of course I stood up... passed out candy and shoo'd them away as fast as I could. Looking back I wish I'da chased them away with the garden hose.

Help me out here people... Can't I be arrested for just hearing those words from a girl that young?

F**k this...

I'm drinkin'.