Tomorrow's Headlines Today

Its occurred to me that you probably don't much care for mainstream news outlets. Consequently... I've decided to save you the embarrassment and inconvenience of paying attention to them on November 5th.

This is what you're going to hear all day long...

Idiotic Male Broadcaster: Breaking story here... the democrats are complaining about the urban vote being suppressed. Lets go live to our correspondent at DNC headquarters.

Idiotic Correspondent: Yeah IMB I'm here at DNC headquarters and I can tell you they are very upset at what they are calling a deliberate attempt to suppress minority voters. Now we all know that minority voters are concentrated in the large urban areas such as Chicago, Detroit, and New York... but police are saying they are just being responsible... that a police presence is required in the event of civil unrest as the results come in. Democrats however are saying they are going to far, and actually interfering in the election process... simply by being seen.

Idiotic Male Broadcaster: Thanks IC. Al Sharpton has holding a press conference... lets go there now.

Sharpton: In 2000... the 'lection was stole from us... when they took it to the Supreme Court! Now here in 2008... this 'lection is bein' stole from us the ol' fashion way... with guns and badges! I'm gonna tell you right now... I'm gonna tell you right now.. we ain't gonna stand back and let this go. We ain't gonna be made no house niggas no more. Oh you say we can vote... sure.. come on down and vote... but don't mind them boys over there with the assault rifles and tear gas... they're just here to keep you safe brotha! I mean... who y'all tryin' to kid? I'm telling you right now.. our voices will be heard. We will not be silenced.

Idiotic Reporter: Reverend Sharpton are you saying that the police are intimidating voters?

Sharpton: Are you blind? Look over there! Look! What do you see? Guns and tear gas! They say they are worried about violence. I tell you right now... if this goes bad... there's gonna be violence. There will be violence.

Idiotic Reporter: There you have it IMB.. the poor are being intimidated by the police presence and their voices are being silenced. Back to you.

IMB: Thanks IR... now we've got word of a late breaking news conference being held by Senator Murtha... lets go there live.

Murtha: What the fuck do you mean I'm behind? These fucking rednecks!

***inaudible interruption***

Murtha: What the fuck do you mean I'm live? of course I'm live you ignor... ummm... Hello. We apparently have had some audio issues... I apologize for that. I want to take some time to address what's going on in Philadelphia right now. Right now... in Philadelphia... poor minorities are afraid to vote. They are afraid to vote... and if something isn't done... its going to cost the righteous Barack Obama this election. I'm calling on all my fellow senators and legislators.. and all government officials on all levels to end this tragedy before our children pay a dear dear price for it. Thank you.

IMB: Powerful Powerful words from Senator Murth from Pennsylvania. Early reports are a little conflicting it seems. At around 9:00am EST MSNBC had declared the election a landslide victory for Barack Obama... but when it was pointed out that the voting hadn't actually started yet... they were forced to retract the claim... and now... now it seems that even later reports of Obama's dominance have been somewhat flawed as states that were known to be comfortably in his pocket so to speak are looking decidedly at risk. This is seen by democrats as evidence that there is indeed deeply wrong with the process.. and they are blaming police interference. We'll keep you posted. Now back to your regularly scheduled program.