Slackers...
Who knows how man thousands of New Yorkers... all gathered out in the open... Not an airliner to be found.
Am I the only one who really doesn't give a rat's ass about a ball dropping in New York City? Was it necessary for every station to be there? What's wrong with DC? Or Miami? Or Atlanta?
It all just adds to the perception that New York City is the only thing that matters in America. As I was watching that ball drop I just kept thinking... wow... what a target of opertunity. Think of the panic.... the stampede.... the slaughter that just 1 or 2 explosions would've caused.
I swear... ragheads never get anything right.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
New Years
What a bizarre year it's been. This time last year... little Eli was still cookin'. Now he's crawlin' around and tryin' to climb the stairs. Julie's mom and I weren't even on speaking terms... Now we're gettin' on pretty well. Joy had just made it back from Colombia... I didn't have any idea where we were moving to...
Well ok... so not everything has changed that much.
Ya know... we're actually boxing up things... packing. I talked to a mover to get a quote... and it wasn't until about 20 minutes into the conversation that it dawned on me that I had no idea where to tell her we're moving.
We've got to buy a house... a nicer house than we've ever had before... but we don't know where to shop for one.
I guess that really sums up 2005 for us... in spite of everything that's happened... Eli's arrival... dear friends married off... dear friends breeding yet again... family trials... family triumphs... it's been a year dominated by this huge question... this yet-unsolved mystery. It colors everything. Sometimes in the fore... always in the background.
But...
It's 8:37 on New Year's Eve. All of the questions of 2005 shall be answered in 2006. Indeed... everything Julie and I have fought for... since... God... since forever... it all pays off in 2006.
I hope you are all havin' a ball tonight. Tossing back some champagne with friends and loved ones. Spacebunny... did that raisin trick work? And I do mean all of you... Even you Waterboy... ya yankee bastard. And Jamie.... I know its been 2006 for 8 hours down there.. but raise on anyway mate... it's a good excuse right? I hope you've all enjoyed the blog as much as I've enjoyed having you here. So often bloggers write about how they don't care if they have readers or not. I do. I love havin' y'all around, and honestly, if ya weren't here I wouldn't do it. Thanks for bein' here y'all. I appreciate every damned one of you.
So... this one last night in 2005 I spend here in Morgantown... Not alone... but certainly by myself. One corona for now... one for midnight. The boys are tucked away.... Julie is pulling another 24-hour shift...
But if by chance she should get to read this tonight...
Darlin'... Here's to you kid... and here's to 2006...
The first year of the rest of our lives.
What a bizarre year it's been. This time last year... little Eli was still cookin'. Now he's crawlin' around and tryin' to climb the stairs. Julie's mom and I weren't even on speaking terms... Now we're gettin' on pretty well. Joy had just made it back from Colombia... I didn't have any idea where we were moving to...
Well ok... so not everything has changed that much.
Ya know... we're actually boxing up things... packing. I talked to a mover to get a quote... and it wasn't until about 20 minutes into the conversation that it dawned on me that I had no idea where to tell her we're moving.
We've got to buy a house... a nicer house than we've ever had before... but we don't know where to shop for one.
I guess that really sums up 2005 for us... in spite of everything that's happened... Eli's arrival... dear friends married off... dear friends breeding yet again... family trials... family triumphs... it's been a year dominated by this huge question... this yet-unsolved mystery. It colors everything. Sometimes in the fore... always in the background.
But...
It's 8:37 on New Year's Eve. All of the questions of 2005 shall be answered in 2006. Indeed... everything Julie and I have fought for... since... God... since forever... it all pays off in 2006.
I hope you are all havin' a ball tonight. Tossing back some champagne with friends and loved ones. Spacebunny... did that raisin trick work? And I do mean all of you... Even you Waterboy... ya yankee bastard. And Jamie.... I know its been 2006 for 8 hours down there.. but raise on anyway mate... it's a good excuse right? I hope you've all enjoyed the blog as much as I've enjoyed having you here. So often bloggers write about how they don't care if they have readers or not. I do. I love havin' y'all around, and honestly, if ya weren't here I wouldn't do it. Thanks for bein' here y'all. I appreciate every damned one of you.
So... this one last night in 2005 I spend here in Morgantown... Not alone... but certainly by myself. One corona for now... one for midnight. The boys are tucked away.... Julie is pulling another 24-hour shift...
But if by chance she should get to read this tonight...
Darlin'... Here's to you kid... and here's to 2006...
The first year of the rest of our lives.
Friday, December 30, 2005
ATF
Life is good. I've got a mild buzz... fresh from a nice glass of 1792... Hey... 10oz. of 100 proof bourbon on a mostly empty stomach will do that for ya! I'm currently clearin' the pallet with a favorite snack... some fine cheddar dipped in spicy mustard.
2 questions about that... What company produces "Hellagood" products... and why are they so damned good? and.. Why is it that Kroger's spicey mustard is so much better than everyone elses?
But I digress.
It's a fine day. Our boy Will has come to his senses and decided to disavow himself of that plastic sissy pistol. He lit up the 10-ring with a Kimber lastnight and has vowed to purchase a 1911. One can only hope he has the good sense to go buy a Springfield. I mean come on... if he liked the Kimber that much... imagine what he'll think when he shoots a real 1911.
I talked to him on the phone lastnight actually... on his way back from the range... and he asked a good question.
Why Springfield?
I didn't give the best answer lastnight... but after some thought... it really boils down to 2 reasons.
1) Accuracy. Gun after gun. Back to back to back to back... with several loads from several different manufactures... the average groups of the Springfields will always be the smallest. Smaller than Kimber. Smaller than Para. Smaller than Colt. The initial test of the Taurus are impressive, but I am skeptical. I wanna see it go head to head with the Springfield before I'll really buy into the hype.
2) Waranty. Until Taurus showed up, no other manufacturer offered a guarantee that was even close to Springfield's. Their customer service has an excellent record. This is less important to some people, but to me... this means a lot. That's why Taurus and Springfield are so high on my list. Both have been known to throw in free work when they have a weapon sent back... just to make sure you're completely happy.
But enough...
On to the Booze!
Mutly tried some Makers Mark! He was impressed. Another scotch drinker broadening his horizons. It's a great day. But Mutly... dear man... if you liked that... and I know you did... oh sir... you have so much to explore. Wait until you try Bookers... 126 proof smooth sweet heat. Or Woodford's Reserve... or perhaps God's Own Whiskey.... Wild Turkey Rare Breed. Any of you interested in bourbon history or general facts.. do a site specific search of the bloggerblaster for the word "bourbon" and I'm sure you'll learn all you need to know.
Oh... and Jamie... you around? or are ya hiding under your bed again? Drink up you pussy. No beer either. Find something 80 proof or up. You sissy-mary.
Ok kids... Belly up to the bar! What'll it be?
Life is good. I've got a mild buzz... fresh from a nice glass of 1792... Hey... 10oz. of 100 proof bourbon on a mostly empty stomach will do that for ya! I'm currently clearin' the pallet with a favorite snack... some fine cheddar dipped in spicy mustard.
2 questions about that... What company produces "Hellagood" products... and why are they so damned good? and.. Why is it that Kroger's spicey mustard is so much better than everyone elses?
But I digress.
It's a fine day. Our boy Will has come to his senses and decided to disavow himself of that plastic sissy pistol. He lit up the 10-ring with a Kimber lastnight and has vowed to purchase a 1911. One can only hope he has the good sense to go buy a Springfield. I mean come on... if he liked the Kimber that much... imagine what he'll think when he shoots a real 1911.
I talked to him on the phone lastnight actually... on his way back from the range... and he asked a good question.
Why Springfield?
I didn't give the best answer lastnight... but after some thought... it really boils down to 2 reasons.
1) Accuracy. Gun after gun. Back to back to back to back... with several loads from several different manufactures... the average groups of the Springfields will always be the smallest. Smaller than Kimber. Smaller than Para. Smaller than Colt. The initial test of the Taurus are impressive, but I am skeptical. I wanna see it go head to head with the Springfield before I'll really buy into the hype.
2) Waranty. Until Taurus showed up, no other manufacturer offered a guarantee that was even close to Springfield's. Their customer service has an excellent record. This is less important to some people, but to me... this means a lot. That's why Taurus and Springfield are so high on my list. Both have been known to throw in free work when they have a weapon sent back... just to make sure you're completely happy.
But enough...
On to the Booze!
Mutly tried some Makers Mark! He was impressed. Another scotch drinker broadening his horizons. It's a great day. But Mutly... dear man... if you liked that... and I know you did... oh sir... you have so much to explore. Wait until you try Bookers... 126 proof smooth sweet heat. Or Woodford's Reserve... or perhaps God's Own Whiskey.... Wild Turkey Rare Breed. Any of you interested in bourbon history or general facts.. do a site specific search of the bloggerblaster for the word "bourbon" and I'm sure you'll learn all you need to know.
Oh... and Jamie... you around? or are ya hiding under your bed again? Drink up you pussy. No beer either. Find something 80 proof or up. You sissy-mary.
Ok kids... Belly up to the bar! What'll it be?
Californians are Pussies
I don't know how else to say it. But when a pack of chihuahuas sends a cop to the hospital... you know you're either in California or France. Since the fella was only in the hospital for a couple hours... must be California.
How embarassing.
I don't know how else to say it. But when a pack of chihuahuas sends a cop to the hospital... you know you're either in California or France. Since the fella was only in the hospital for a couple hours... must be California.
How embarassing.
| Your Birthdate: |
 You are a natural born leader, even if those leadership talents haven't been developed yet. You have the power and self confidence to succeed in life, and your power grows daily. Besides power, you also have a great deal of creativity that enables you to innovate instead of fail. You are a visionary, seeing the big picture instead of all of the trivial little details. Your strength: Your supreme genius Your weakness: Your inappropriate sensitivity Your power color: Gold Your power symbol: Star Your power month: January |
What Can I say? I'm the man.
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Dream Trip
I don't know if I'll ever be able to work this out... but I have a dream...
I want to get some buddies... and ride the Alaskan Highway... all the way to Fairbanks... up the Dalton Highway... past the Gates of the Arctic... way up to the Arctic Circle.
Longitude 66 degrees 33 minutes.
It's 4005 miles from Murfreesboro, which is our standard start point, to Fairbanks... then another few hundred up the gravel Dalton Highway.
The alternative is to jump off the Alaskan Highway at the Yukon Highway, and take it to the Demptster Highway... which is another gravel road. We could take it all the way to Inuvik.
I tend to lean toward Dalton in Alaska. Needless to say... this would be an insane trip. First of all we'd need bikes that were capable of such a thing. These bikes aren't really hard to find. They are generally recognizable by the "BMW" on the tank... and they tend to look something like this:
Is it pretty? No. But it is a tank. It's built for anything. I know stories of men that have ridden these bikes up the Dempster Highway to the Arctic Circle, then all the way down through Central and South America... all on the same trip.
Obviously we'd be going in July... I'm psycho... but not that psycho. I shudder to think how long this trip would take... Right now.. I'm guessing around 2 full weeks... and could take a month. The trip to Fairbanks alone will take at least 4 days... and will probably take 6. Assuming we take our time... and rolling up a gravel road to the Arctic Circle... I suspect we will be taking our time... I figure another 4 days actually up there. Pretty soon you see why I say we will need 3 weeks or more.
Think of the provisions we'll need to take... man... JAC already has a .454 casull.. I'll need to pick up one of my own... plus I'll take a couple other side arms... my .357 tracker... the .40... maybe a couple lighter weapons too. Probably at least 1 carbine.
Oh those Canadian border boys will love us.
I guess part of this is the challenge. Fact is I love to ride... and I love to explore... and this is the ultimate way to do both.
Who wants to come along?
I don't know if I'll ever be able to work this out... but I have a dream...
I want to get some buddies... and ride the Alaskan Highway... all the way to Fairbanks... up the Dalton Highway... past the Gates of the Arctic... way up to the Arctic Circle.
Longitude 66 degrees 33 minutes.
It's 4005 miles from Murfreesboro, which is our standard start point, to Fairbanks... then another few hundred up the gravel Dalton Highway.
The alternative is to jump off the Alaskan Highway at the Yukon Highway, and take it to the Demptster Highway... which is another gravel road. We could take it all the way to Inuvik.
I tend to lean toward Dalton in Alaska. Needless to say... this would be an insane trip. First of all we'd need bikes that were capable of such a thing. These bikes aren't really hard to find. They are generally recognizable by the "BMW" on the tank... and they tend to look something like this:
Is it pretty? No. But it is a tank. It's built for anything. I know stories of men that have ridden these bikes up the Dempster Highway to the Arctic Circle, then all the way down through Central and South America... all on the same trip.
Obviously we'd be going in July... I'm psycho... but not that psycho. I shudder to think how long this trip would take... Right now.. I'm guessing around 2 full weeks... and could take a month. The trip to Fairbanks alone will take at least 4 days... and will probably take 6. Assuming we take our time... and rolling up a gravel road to the Arctic Circle... I suspect we will be taking our time... I figure another 4 days actually up there. Pretty soon you see why I say we will need 3 weeks or more.
Think of the provisions we'll need to take... man... JAC already has a .454 casull.. I'll need to pick up one of my own... plus I'll take a couple other side arms... my .357 tracker... the .40... maybe a couple lighter weapons too. Probably at least 1 carbine.
Oh those Canadian border boys will love us.
I guess part of this is the challenge. Fact is I love to ride... and I love to explore... and this is the ultimate way to do both.
Who wants to come along?
Wednesday, December 28, 2005
And Now For Something Completely Different...
This obviously didn't happen. After all... Guns are illegal in Austrailia. Right mate?
And of course we'll be told how this sort of thing is so rare... yet strangely... I am always able to find something to post when I get a hankering to point out what commie's they are down under.
Commonwealth.... Marx would love that name. No doubt he used the term himself... in some impressive run-out sentence in this manifesto or that...
Bah.
This obviously didn't happen. After all... Guns are illegal in Austrailia. Right mate?
And of course we'll be told how this sort of thing is so rare... yet strangely... I am always able to find something to post when I get a hankering to point out what commie's they are down under.
Commonwealth.... Marx would love that name. No doubt he used the term himself... in some impressive run-out sentence in this manifesto or that...
Bah.
Military Truisms and Sayings
Hey.. I'm kinda in a groove today... or perhaps a rut.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.- U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."- USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."- General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."- Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."- U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."- Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."- Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."- USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan (I included this twice. I like this.)
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
I'm particularly fond of anything that cuts on helicopters... as they are as prone to uselessness as Ted Kennedy... and about as dangerous.
Hey.. I'm kinda in a groove today... or perhaps a rut.
"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."- Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.- U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."- USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."- Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."- General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me."- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways."- U.S. Army Ordnance
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."- Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."- U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, your walking into an ambush."- Infantry Journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."- Joe Gay
"Any ship can be a minesweeper ... once."- Anonymous
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."- Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."- USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan (I included this twice. I like this.)
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
I'm particularly fond of anything that cuts on helicopters... as they are as prone to uselessness as Ted Kennedy... and about as dangerous.
Bad Joke Wednesday: The Pun Edition
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
How about some some fun facts?
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle"
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.(See? Yankee moron)
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (mmm tasty).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base in Kadena, Japan these words are inscribed: "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
And... just to top off the most awesomest Bad Joke Wednesday Ever... I offer: The Difference Between Potentially... and Realistically:
"When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically...
we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"
"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."
"Is it common?"
"Well, It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
How about some some fun facts?
1. Money isn't made out of paper, it's made out of cotton.
2. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper.
3. The dot over the letter i is called a "tittle"
4. A raisin dropped in a glass of fresh champagne will bounce up and down continuously from the bottom of the glass to the top.
5. Susan Lucci is the daughter of Phyllis Diller.
6. 40% of McDonald's profits come from the sales of Happy Meals.
7. 315 entries in Webster's 1996 Dictionary were misspelled.(See? Yankee moron)
8. The 'spot' on 7UP comes from its inventor, who had red eyes. He was albino.
9. On average, 12 newborns will be given to the wrong parents, daily.
10. Warren Beatty and Shirley MacLaine are brother and sister.
11. Chocolate affects a dog's heart and nervous system; a few ounces will kill a small sized dog.
12. Orcas (killer whales) kill sharks by torpedoing up into the shark's stomach from underneath, causing the shark to explode.
13. Most lipstick contains fish scales (mmm tasty).
14. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
15. Ketchup was sold in the 1830s as medicine.
16. Upper and lower case letters are named 'upper' and 'lower' because in the time when all original print had to be set in individual letters, the 'upper case' letters were stored in the case on top of the case that stored the smaller, 'lower case' letters.
17. Leonardo da Vinci could write with one hand and draw with the other at the same time ... hence, multi-tasking was invented.
18. At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base in Kadena, Japan these words are inscribed: "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
And... just to top off the most awesomest Bad Joke Wednesday Ever... I offer: The Difference Between Potentially... and Realistically:
"When a young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars." "Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?"The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?!?!?! " The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?"The boy replied, "Yes... Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars..............but Realistically...
we're living with two Sluts and a Queer.
Media Bias?
I offer for your amusement two of the most asinine quotes of the year. Both of course involve Brian Williams. Enjoy:
Andrea Mitchell: "It is an iconic picture: American hostages, hands bound and blindfolded, being paraded outside the U.S. embassy in Tehran by their captors. But has one of those student radicals now become Iran’s newly elected President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?...Tonight, U.S. intelligence officials say that they will continue to study this, but may never have definitive proof of what the role was of Iran’s new president, Brian."
Brian Williams: "Andrea, what would it all matter if proven true? Someone brought up today the first several U.S. Presidents were certainly revolutionaries and might have been called terrorists at the time by the British Crown, after all."
Mitchell: "Indeed, Brian."— NBC Nightly News, June 30.
Brian Williams: "You just told me the story about one photograph from the war that always kind of catches you, the Japanese soldier returning to his city that’s been destroyed. Do you have remorse for what happened? How do you deal with that in your mind?"
Enola Gay navigator "Dutch" Van Kirk: "No, I do not have remorse! I pity the people who were there. I always think of it, Brian, as being, the dropping of the atom bomb was an act of war to end a war."
— Exchange as the two stood next to the plane at the Smithsonian’s new National Air and Space annex near Dulles airport, in a segment on the 60th anniversary of the dropping of the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, NBC Nightly News, August 5.
I for one cannot imagine sitting in my living room and not throwing something at the tv. I swear... if it were not such an abysmal place I would consider driving to New York to set Brian Williams on fire. But then... The man lives in New York. Punishment enough.
I offer for your amusement two of the most asinine quotes of the year. Both of course involve Brian Williams. Enjoy:
Andrea Mitchell: "It is an iconic picture: American hostages, hands bound and blindfolded, being paraded outside the U.S. embassy in Tehran by their captors. But has one of those student radicals now become Iran’s newly elected President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad?...Tonight, U.S. intelligence officials say that they will continue to study this, but may never have definitive proof of what the role was of Iran’s new president, Brian."
Brian Williams: "Andrea, what would it all matter if proven true? Someone brought up today the first several U.S. Presidents were certainly revolutionaries and might have been called terrorists at the time by the British Crown, after all."
Mitchell: "Indeed, Brian."— NBC Nightly News, June 30.
Brian Williams: "You just told me the story about one photograph from the war that always kind of catches you, the Japanese soldier returning to his city that’s been destroyed. Do you have remorse for what happened? How do you deal with that in your mind?"
Enola Gay navigator "Dutch" Van Kirk: "No, I do not have remorse! I pity the people who were there. I always think of it, Brian, as being, the dropping of the atom bomb was an act of war to end a war."
— Exchange as the two stood next to the plane at the Smithsonian’s new National Air and Space annex near Dulles airport, in a segment on the 60th anniversary of the dropping of the first atomic bomb on Hiroshima, Japan, NBC Nightly News, August 5.
I for one cannot imagine sitting in my living room and not throwing something at the tv. I swear... if it were not such an abysmal place I would consider driving to New York to set Brian Williams on fire. But then... The man lives in New York. Punishment enough.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
The Coolest Ever...
Characters define movies... and often... guns define characters. Dirty Harry's .44mag... Agent Smith's Desert Eagle... Laura Croft's HK's... Bond's PPK.
But none stand out like these...
Caster Troy's 1911's. Look at them. The only golden guns I've ever seen that don't look negro. Without question... these are the most awesome weapons I've ever seen in any film...
I triple dog dare you to disagree.
But who made them? One off customs weren't they?
HA! No. No they were not. These my friends... are Springfield Armory Custom Distinguished Limited (PC9404) 1911's.
Springfield boys. Springfield.
Characters define movies... and often... guns define characters. Dirty Harry's .44mag... Agent Smith's Desert Eagle... Laura Croft's HK's... Bond's PPK.
But none stand out like these...
Caster Troy's 1911's. Look at them. The only golden guns I've ever seen that don't look negro. Without question... these are the most awesome weapons I've ever seen in any film...
I triple dog dare you to disagree.
But who made them? One off customs weren't they?
HA! No. No they were not. These my friends... are Springfield Armory Custom Distinguished Limited (PC9404) 1911's.
Springfield boys. Springfield.
Anesthesia Antics
It's a little known fact that I actually talked my wife into going into anesthesia. That's not to say that I am more interested in it than she is... far from it. She loves her job. It's just that I am also very interested in it. These people stop and start hearts regularly... on purpose... and while in the pantheon of modern medicine that is relatively mundane.. for me... it's never really lost its cool factor.
The history of anesthesia is also something that we really enjoy. Honestly these are strange birds... and their ways never cease to amuse... Plus there is glorius contraversy. For example... The matter of the first anesthesia ever performed isn't even agreed on. Some textbooks claim a yankee was the first because he was the first to document his practice... while of course... the doing is far more important than the documenting... so other textbooks point to a God Fearing Southron who used ether decades earlier.
In this vein I offer you a taste of medical history... The account of the first experiments with spinal anesthesia... using cocaine... in 1890.
"Bier and Hildebrandt gave each other spinal anesthesia through injections of cocaine solution into the lower (lumbar) areas of their backs; the aim was to block the nerves in the lower part of the body. They took careful notes of the experience. The initial thrust of the needle caused no pain beyond the usual jab and a short, mild stabbing sensation in one leg. Bier felt a mild tugging sensation when Hildebrandt began the injection. But Hildebrandt was nervous, and much of the solution trickled down Bier’s back. They waited ten minutes before Hildebrandt pricked Bier’s thigh with a pin. It hurt: not enough cocaine had penetrated the spine.
When the more experienced Bier injected the solution into Hildebrandt’s back just a few drops escaped. Within seven minutes Hildebrandt could feel pinpricks only as pressure; tickling of the sole of the foot hardly bothered him. A minute later Bier drew a large curved needle through the skin of Hildebrandt’s thigh. Again his assistant sensed no pain. Two minutes later Bier thrust a needle into Hildebrandt’s thigh bone; he felt nothing. Bier squeezed Hildebrandt’s skin between the teeth of a hooked forceps. Hildebrandt perceived the pinching only as pressure.
Thirteen minutes after the spinal injection, Bier put the lighted end of his cigar on Hildebrandt’s legs. The burn caused no pain. Hard hammer blows against his shins were painless. On and on, Bier battered Hildebrandt. Pulling out pubic hair felt like lifting a skin fold, whereas plucking hairs from the chest was painful. Strong pressure and tugging on Hildebrandt’s testicles produced no sensation.
It took forty-five minutes for the effect of the drug to wear off and normal sensitivity to return.
The two doctors dined together that evening, drinking wine and smoking several cigars. They went to bed about eleven o’clock. Bier, whose body had absorbed almost no cocaine, slept soundly and awoke refreshed. When he finished his customary morning stroll, he found he had a slight headache.
At the clinic he found Hildebrandt looking wan; he had not slept and was able to stand only with great effort. Later that morning Hildebrandt had a severe headache, which may have been due to a hangover or to the spinal injection, followed by an attack of vomiting. By mid-afternoon he was forced to go to bed. Although still suffering from a headache, he returned to work the next day." (Altman)
Obviously I added the emphasis.
Tugging. On. The. Testicles.
Oh my.
It's a little known fact that I actually talked my wife into going into anesthesia. That's not to say that I am more interested in it than she is... far from it. She loves her job. It's just that I am also very interested in it. These people stop and start hearts regularly... on purpose... and while in the pantheon of modern medicine that is relatively mundane.. for me... it's never really lost its cool factor.
The history of anesthesia is also something that we really enjoy. Honestly these are strange birds... and their ways never cease to amuse... Plus there is glorius contraversy. For example... The matter of the first anesthesia ever performed isn't even agreed on. Some textbooks claim a yankee was the first because he was the first to document his practice... while of course... the doing is far more important than the documenting... so other textbooks point to a God Fearing Southron who used ether decades earlier.
In this vein I offer you a taste of medical history... The account of the first experiments with spinal anesthesia... using cocaine... in 1890.
"Bier and Hildebrandt gave each other spinal anesthesia through injections of cocaine solution into the lower (lumbar) areas of their backs; the aim was to block the nerves in the lower part of the body. They took careful notes of the experience. The initial thrust of the needle caused no pain beyond the usual jab and a short, mild stabbing sensation in one leg. Bier felt a mild tugging sensation when Hildebrandt began the injection. But Hildebrandt was nervous, and much of the solution trickled down Bier’s back. They waited ten minutes before Hildebrandt pricked Bier’s thigh with a pin. It hurt: not enough cocaine had penetrated the spine.
When the more experienced Bier injected the solution into Hildebrandt’s back just a few drops escaped. Within seven minutes Hildebrandt could feel pinpricks only as pressure; tickling of the sole of the foot hardly bothered him. A minute later Bier drew a large curved needle through the skin of Hildebrandt’s thigh. Again his assistant sensed no pain. Two minutes later Bier thrust a needle into Hildebrandt’s thigh bone; he felt nothing. Bier squeezed Hildebrandt’s skin between the teeth of a hooked forceps. Hildebrandt perceived the pinching only as pressure.
Thirteen minutes after the spinal injection, Bier put the lighted end of his cigar on Hildebrandt’s legs. The burn caused no pain. Hard hammer blows against his shins were painless. On and on, Bier battered Hildebrandt. Pulling out pubic hair felt like lifting a skin fold, whereas plucking hairs from the chest was painful. Strong pressure and tugging on Hildebrandt’s testicles produced no sensation.
It took forty-five minutes for the effect of the drug to wear off and normal sensitivity to return.
The two doctors dined together that evening, drinking wine and smoking several cigars. They went to bed about eleven o’clock. Bier, whose body had absorbed almost no cocaine, slept soundly and awoke refreshed. When he finished his customary morning stroll, he found he had a slight headache.
At the clinic he found Hildebrandt looking wan; he had not slept and was able to stand only with great effort. Later that morning Hildebrandt had a severe headache, which may have been due to a hangover or to the spinal injection, followed by an attack of vomiting. By mid-afternoon he was forced to go to bed. Although still suffering from a headache, he returned to work the next day." (Altman)
Obviously I added the emphasis.
Tugging. On. The. Testicles.
Oh my.
Friday, December 23, 2005
ATF!
Yes... I know its a little early... but this way we can at least attempt to keep up with Jamie. So let's get this rollin' boys.
Let us begin where we always begin... ATF is all about the booze. Tonight? Come on... It's Christmas Eve Eve. That means hot buttered rum.... or bourbon... either way! More likely both.. and in fact... there's liable to be some champagne involved. After all we now are down to double-digit days until we move back to God's Country. Indeed we have much to celebrate. bourbon wise I'm in a bit of a rut these days... It's pretty much 1792 and Bookers. Well... what can I say? It's not a bad rut... in fact... a rut like this is really better described as a groove.
And speakin' of groove... what are y'all playin' these days? I myself have been playin' a lot of Van Sant, along with my standard Cross Canadian Ragweed and Jason Boland... Charlie Robinson of course... the obligatory Kris Kristofferson and 5 Dollar Fine for Whining. When I'm drummin though its all Rush... Creed... GnR and even some Nickleback... I'm ashamed to admit that I've developed a fetish for playing set along with stuff like Bach's Little Fugue and Drum Corp. If I can ever work out the midi stuff I'll record some of it and post it here.. Jamie will crack up.
Crackin' up? Who'm I kiddin'.... there's no way to segway from that to guns.. but guns is up... I've now read two reviews that claim the new Taurus 1911 will shoot 2 inch groups at 50 yards... and one claimed that it averaged 2.25 inch groups at 50 yards through 6 kinds of ammo. That's impressive boys. It's more impressive when you figure that you can pick one of these up for under 500 bucks. I should re-word that.... it's not impressive. It's insane. Taurus claims "you get what you pay for" is out-dated thinking. Think of bottled water they says. 500 bucks is just what a smart manufacturer should make a 1911 for. Consider that the gun is made top-to-bottom in-house... in what amounts to a factory custom shop environment, and you see how they saved money... also consider that there are no "stock 1911" parts in this gun. Everything is made by Taurus on site. To my knowledge no one else but Springfield does that.
What are my two favorite pistol manufacturers again? Now if we can just get Savage to bring back the 99 I'll be in hog heaven.
Ok y'all... I gots some friends comin' over to drink with.. We're gonna heat up some steaks on the grill... I say "heat up" because the word cook implies a level of doness that these shall never reach. Good times y'all. Good times.
So standard posting rules apply... What ya drinkin'? What ya smokin? Who ya drinkin' and smokin' with, and what're ya carryin?
Oh yeah.. and just for fun... before I go... how about a teaser for the new Harem?
Huge points to anyone who guesses who these little cuties are... and even more points to anyone who guesses which one of them also came through with far more.... revealing shots.
Boys... It's hard damned work bein' this damned good.
Yes... I know its a little early... but this way we can at least attempt to keep up with Jamie. So let's get this rollin' boys.
Let us begin where we always begin... ATF is all about the booze. Tonight? Come on... It's Christmas Eve Eve. That means hot buttered rum.... or bourbon... either way! More likely both.. and in fact... there's liable to be some champagne involved. After all we now are down to double-digit days until we move back to God's Country. Indeed we have much to celebrate. bourbon wise I'm in a bit of a rut these days... It's pretty much 1792 and Bookers. Well... what can I say? It's not a bad rut... in fact... a rut like this is really better described as a groove.
And speakin' of groove... what are y'all playin' these days? I myself have been playin' a lot of Van Sant, along with my standard Cross Canadian Ragweed and Jason Boland... Charlie Robinson of course... the obligatory Kris Kristofferson and 5 Dollar Fine for Whining. When I'm drummin though its all Rush... Creed... GnR and even some Nickleback... I'm ashamed to admit that I've developed a fetish for playing set along with stuff like Bach's Little Fugue and Drum Corp. If I can ever work out the midi stuff I'll record some of it and post it here.. Jamie will crack up.
Crackin' up? Who'm I kiddin'.... there's no way to segway from that to guns.. but guns is up... I've now read two reviews that claim the new Taurus 1911 will shoot 2 inch groups at 50 yards... and one claimed that it averaged 2.25 inch groups at 50 yards through 6 kinds of ammo. That's impressive boys. It's more impressive when you figure that you can pick one of these up for under 500 bucks. I should re-word that.... it's not impressive. It's insane. Taurus claims "you get what you pay for" is out-dated thinking. Think of bottled water they says. 500 bucks is just what a smart manufacturer should make a 1911 for. Consider that the gun is made top-to-bottom in-house... in what amounts to a factory custom shop environment, and you see how they saved money... also consider that there are no "stock 1911" parts in this gun. Everything is made by Taurus on site. To my knowledge no one else but Springfield does that.
What are my two favorite pistol manufacturers again? Now if we can just get Savage to bring back the 99 I'll be in hog heaven.
Ok y'all... I gots some friends comin' over to drink with.. We're gonna heat up some steaks on the grill... I say "heat up" because the word cook implies a level of doness that these shall never reach. Good times y'all. Good times.
So standard posting rules apply... What ya drinkin'? What ya smokin? Who ya drinkin' and smokin' with, and what're ya carryin?
Oh yeah.. and just for fun... before I go... how about a teaser for the new Harem?
Huge points to anyone who guesses who these little cuties are... and even more points to anyone who guesses which one of them also came through with far more.... revealing shots.
Boys... It's hard damned work bein' this damned good.
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Fun With a Grease Fire
It's amazing how fast things can go to shit for a stay-at-home dad. Seriously. You throw two hotdogs on the grill... then you take the baby off to change his diaper... then the 3-year old has to go potty... then you get caught up watching the lastest sportcenter segment on some coach's kid offing himself...
The next thing you know.. that three-year old is pulling on your hand saying, "Daddy! Daddy! Get Jeb's stool! Jeb up! Jeb watch fire!"
Huh? What fire? FIRE!
So of course ya run in to the kitchen and blow on the fire a few times while you determine if it's bad enough to warrant getting out the extinguisher... luckily it's not that bad and it goes out pretty easily.
I say it wasn't that bad... check the results.
I'd say it got a little hot... wouldn't you?
As you can see the steel bars of the grill actually melted complete through in several places. Oddly, the hotdogs weren't nearly as maimed as you would've expected. I really don't understand it. I've cooked big thick steaks longer than this... and had several grease fires that were far worse... but nothing ever did this kind of damage.
Ah well.. no harm no foul. The smoke detectors didn't even go off... though I confess at this point I'm going to change the batteries to be sure. The boys loved it... I guess that's what matters.
It's amazing how fast things can go to shit for a stay-at-home dad. Seriously. You throw two hotdogs on the grill... then you take the baby off to change his diaper... then the 3-year old has to go potty... then you get caught up watching the lastest sportcenter segment on some coach's kid offing himself...
The next thing you know.. that three-year old is pulling on your hand saying, "Daddy! Daddy! Get Jeb's stool! Jeb up! Jeb watch fire!"
Huh? What fire? FIRE!
So of course ya run in to the kitchen and blow on the fire a few times while you determine if it's bad enough to warrant getting out the extinguisher... luckily it's not that bad and it goes out pretty easily.
I say it wasn't that bad... check the results.
I'd say it got a little hot... wouldn't you?
As you can see the steel bars of the grill actually melted complete through in several places. Oddly, the hotdogs weren't nearly as maimed as you would've expected. I really don't understand it. I've cooked big thick steaks longer than this... and had several grease fires that were far worse... but nothing ever did this kind of damage.
Ah well.. no harm no foul. The smoke detectors didn't even go off... though I confess at this point I'm going to change the batteries to be sure. The boys loved it... I guess that's what matters.
T Minus 100 Days
What? You thought I wasn't keeping a running count? In a mere 100 days we shall be freed from this God forsaken yankee infested Hell. We shall return to the sweet green lands of the South, where will live like decent God fearing folk,. Where we shall grow old, and one day tell our grand-children nitemarish tales of our experiences in the woeful lands of the yankee.
The trouble is... we still don't know exactly where in the South we'll be living... At this point its been narrowed down to Georgia... way north of Atlanta... or way south of Atlanta... then there are a few places in middle Tennessee that are interested as well. It's changed so much that honestly I feel like I'm better off just not talking about it. I'm pretty sure my family feels like they're gettin' jerked around like a yo-yo. At least 3 or 4 times we've been pretty certain sure we new where we were goin'... and so far something has come up that totally changed our plans. For a good 2-weeks we knew we were goin' to this little town west of Nashville... then when the contract arrived it looked nothing like what we'd agreed to, and contained more than a few seriously questionable and highly irregular clauses. No thanks.
Ah... but today is not a day to fret. No no... today is a day of joy... for the today we see clearly our golden parole.
But 100 days... but 100 days... but 100 days...
to freedom.
What? You thought I wasn't keeping a running count? In a mere 100 days we shall be freed from this God forsaken yankee infested Hell. We shall return to the sweet green lands of the South, where will live like decent God fearing folk,. Where we shall grow old, and one day tell our grand-children nitemarish tales of our experiences in the woeful lands of the yankee.
The trouble is... we still don't know exactly where in the South we'll be living... At this point its been narrowed down to Georgia... way north of Atlanta... or way south of Atlanta... then there are a few places in middle Tennessee that are interested as well. It's changed so much that honestly I feel like I'm better off just not talking about it. I'm pretty sure my family feels like they're gettin' jerked around like a yo-yo. At least 3 or 4 times we've been pretty certain sure we new where we were goin'... and so far something has come up that totally changed our plans. For a good 2-weeks we knew we were goin' to this little town west of Nashville... then when the contract arrived it looked nothing like what we'd agreed to, and contained more than a few seriously questionable and highly irregular clauses. No thanks.
Ah... but today is not a day to fret. No no... today is a day of joy... for the today we see clearly our golden parole.
But 100 days... but 100 days... but 100 days...
to freedom.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
BJW!
Before we get started... I will share a cautionary tale on walkie-talkie cell phones. Now.. if you don't have one of these things you probably think it's a useless feature. You think you hit a button and a beep goes off... and then the person has to answer.
This is not true. They really do work like walkie-talkies. There is no answering.
For those of us with devious minds... this can be a highly amusing feature. Be advised... the names and setting in the following tale have all been changed to protect the guilty and incriminate the innocent and otherwise uninvolved...
Begin.
It should be noted that JAC works in a very large manufacturing facility where he is a mechanic. These are rough and ready types with thick skin... and the fact is... they love takin' shots at each other. Providing these mechanics walkie-talkie cell phones is just begging for trouble. Like that day...
JAC found himself in the john... droppin' off a rather healthy crap. I'm sure you can imagine... there he his... squattin there... trying to relax... pants around his ankles... and his phone starts talking.
"OOOHHH! YEAH!! HMMMMFF!! Yeah... Yeah.. OHH MY GAWD It's so deep... so DEEEP... OHH! OHHHH!"
Apparently the bathroom was full as it could be... as laughter was heard for miles... I mean everyone at that whole plant must've decided to take a crap at the same time.
"Damn JAC! Who you got in there?"
There's poor JAC scramblin' to get to his pants... but you know ya just can't reach down there... you can only pinch one off so fast without strainin' somthing.. in the mean time..
"OH! Oh I love it! I love the cock! YEAAHHH!!"
By the time JAC got his ummm.. ahem.. shit together.. composed himself and exited the bathroom a crowd had gathered outside.. probably 15 guys out there hootin' and hollerin'.... clappin and cheerin'.
I sincerely hope that story inspires someone here to abuse some poor unsuspecting soul in a similar fashion. Consider it a public service announcement. On with the jokes!
- What's white, lumpy, and extremely dangerous?
Shark infested mashed potatoes.
- What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
- An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"
-Hailstorm
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said,
"Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
- Sheldon Cohen
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger."Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie."Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."
Before we get started... I will share a cautionary tale on walkie-talkie cell phones. Now.. if you don't have one of these things you probably think it's a useless feature. You think you hit a button and a beep goes off... and then the person has to answer.
This is not true. They really do work like walkie-talkies. There is no answering.
For those of us with devious minds... this can be a highly amusing feature. Be advised... the names and setting in the following tale have all been changed to protect the guilty and incriminate the innocent and otherwise uninvolved...
Begin.
It should be noted that JAC works in a very large manufacturing facility where he is a mechanic. These are rough and ready types with thick skin... and the fact is... they love takin' shots at each other. Providing these mechanics walkie-talkie cell phones is just begging for trouble. Like that day...
JAC found himself in the john... droppin' off a rather healthy crap. I'm sure you can imagine... there he his... squattin there... trying to relax... pants around his ankles... and his phone starts talking.
"OOOHHH! YEAH!! HMMMMFF!! Yeah... Yeah.. OHH MY GAWD It's so deep... so DEEEP... OHH! OHHHH!"
Apparently the bathroom was full as it could be... as laughter was heard for miles... I mean everyone at that whole plant must've decided to take a crap at the same time.
"Damn JAC! Who you got in there?"
There's poor JAC scramblin' to get to his pants... but you know ya just can't reach down there... you can only pinch one off so fast without strainin' somthing.. in the mean time..
"OH! Oh I love it! I love the cock! YEAAHHH!!"
By the time JAC got his ummm.. ahem.. shit together.. composed himself and exited the bathroom a crowd had gathered outside.. probably 15 guys out there hootin' and hollerin'.... clappin and cheerin'.
I sincerely hope that story inspires someone here to abuse some poor unsuspecting soul in a similar fashion. Consider it a public service announcement. On with the jokes!
- What's white, lumpy, and extremely dangerous?
Shark infested mashed potatoes.
- What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
- An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"
-Hailstorm
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said,
"Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
- Sheldon Cohen
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger."Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie."Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
A Christmas Carol
Smashing through the snow,
in a brand new blue Hum-Vee.
Smashing through the drifts.
Shouting out Yipee!
Right up the powerline,
we're goin' 45,
through 2-feet of snow,
and we're still in over-drive!
Ok... ok... sorry... I won't abuse you with any more of that... But hopefully you get the picture. Ol' Nate had some fun lastnight. Sure... it was 10pm and 5 degrees... but hell... what better time to take out the new H1. That's H1... not that soccer mom van H-2 thing... sure it looks cool.. but it don't roll like this bad boy. Don't hyper-ventilate boys... its not mine. Curt picked one up... for his wife.
We headed up to Coopers Rock State Forest last night and commenced to raisin' 7 kinds of hell. There are these old cow-path fire roads that run all through it.. and we just blasting down them. Sure... the word is there are more capable off-road vehicles... but I've now gone up a 60 degree incline in 2 feet of snow. Have you?
The thing is a tank. Seriously. You just don't even worry about hitting these huge ruts... these 3-foot piles of dirt, rock, and snow... you just hit them and go on. We weren't even slowing down.
The off-road driving I have done is crawling. Ya put the truck in 4-low-lock and take your foot off the gas. The truck rolls on and nothing in the world will stop it. That's been the total of my playing off road.
With this thing? It's totally different. You just go. We only locked the differential for one particularly insane stretch that had large ominous warning signs all around... even still... the Hum-Vee ate it all up and begged for more.
I feel like I've been bull-riding. Hey... when ya get a 7000 pound truck airborn... the impact tends to be a little rough... and we did it more than once.
So what do I think of the Hum-Vee?
We spent the better part of 3 hours destroying terrain that can best be described as unfit for motorized travel. She didn't flinch. She just stomped, pounded, and blasted her way through it all.
It's a tank with 4 tires. As huge as it is... we were rolling down these little cuts with no problem... largely because the beast's turning radius is a tight tight 26 feet. Unbelievable.
Smashing through the snow,in a brand new blue Hum-Vee.
Smashing through the drifts.
Shouting out Yipee!
Right up the powerline,
we're goin' 45,
through 2-feet of snow,
and we're still in over-drive!
Ok... ok... sorry... I won't abuse you with any more of that... But hopefully you get the picture. Ol' Nate had some fun lastnight. Sure... it was 10pm and 5 degrees... but hell... what better time to take out the new H1. That's H1... not that soccer mom van H-2 thing... sure it looks cool.. but it don't roll like this bad boy. Don't hyper-ventilate boys... its not mine. Curt picked one up... for his wife.
We headed up to Coopers Rock State Forest last night and commenced to raisin' 7 kinds of hell. There are these old cow-path fire roads that run all through it.. and we just blasting down them. Sure... the word is there are more capable off-road vehicles... but I've now gone up a 60 degree incline in 2 feet of snow. Have you?
The thing is a tank. Seriously. You just don't even worry about hitting these huge ruts... these 3-foot piles of dirt, rock, and snow... you just hit them and go on. We weren't even slowing down.
The off-road driving I have done is crawling. Ya put the truck in 4-low-lock and take your foot off the gas. The truck rolls on and nothing in the world will stop it. That's been the total of my playing off road.
With this thing? It's totally different. You just go. We only locked the differential for one particularly insane stretch that had large ominous warning signs all around... even still... the Hum-Vee ate it all up and begged for more.
I feel like I've been bull-riding. Hey... when ya get a 7000 pound truck airborn... the impact tends to be a little rough... and we did it more than once.
So what do I think of the Hum-Vee?
We spent the better part of 3 hours destroying terrain that can best be described as unfit for motorized travel. She didn't flinch. She just stomped, pounded, and blasted her way through it all.
It's a tank with 4 tires. As huge as it is... we were rolling down these little cuts with no problem... largely because the beast's turning radius is a tight tight 26 feet. Unbelievable.
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