Before we get started... I will share a cautionary tale on walkie-talkie cell phones. Now.. if you don't have one of these things you probably think it's a useless feature. You think you hit a button and a beep goes off... and then the person has to answer.
This is not true. They really do work like walkie-talkies. There is no answering.
For those of us with devious minds... this can be a highly amusing feature. Be advised... the names and setting in the following tale have all been changed to protect the guilty and incriminate the innocent and otherwise uninvolved...
It should be noted that JAC works in a very large manufacturing facility where he is a mechanic. These are rough and ready types with thick skin... and the fact is... they love takin' shots at each other. Providing these mechanics walkie-talkie cell phones is just begging for trouble. Like that day...
JAC found himself in the john... droppin' off a rather healthy crap. I'm sure you can imagine... there he his... squattin there... trying to relax... pants around his ankles... and his phone starts talking.
"OOOHHH! YEAH!! HMMMMFF!! Yeah... Yeah.. OHH MY GAWD It's so deep... so DEEEP... OHH! OHHHH!"
Apparently the bathroom was full as it could be... as laughter was heard for miles... I mean everyone at that whole plant must've decided to take a crap at the same time.
"Damn JAC! Who you got in there?"
There's poor JAC scramblin' to get to his pants... but you know ya just can't reach down there... you can only pinch one off so fast without strainin' somthing.. in the mean time..
"OH! Oh I love it! I love the cock! YEAAHHH!!"
By the time JAC got his ummm.. ahem.. shit together.. composed himself and exited the bathroom a crowd had gathered outside.. probably 15 guys out there hootin' and hollerin'.... clappin and cheerin'.
I sincerely hope that story inspires someone here to abuse some poor unsuspecting soul in a similar fashion. Consider it a public service announcement. On with the jokes!
- What's white, lumpy, and extremely dangerous?
Shark infested mashed potatoes.
- What do you get when you cross a lawyer with the Godfather?
An offer you can't understand.
- An astronomer looks at the sky through a telescope, searching for something. After a while he stands up, looks to the heavens, and yells, "You cannot be Sirius!"
A blonde was driving home after a game and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out.So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.The roommate rolled her eyes and said,
"Duh, like hello! You need to roll up the windows first."
- Sheldon Cohen
A man walks to 5th Ave. & 42nd St. in New York City during a downpour and somehow manages to get a taxi immediately. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Sheldon." "Who?" "Sheldon Cohen. There's a guy who did everything right. Like my cab being vacant during a rainstorm. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time." "Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", stated the passenger. "Not Sheldon," said the cabbie. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the cabbie continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighbourhood blacks out." "Wow, incredible , no wonder you remember him!" said the passenger."Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the cabbie."Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the passenger.
"After he died, I married his wife."