Repost #2: Fun with Mormons
This is one of my favorite posts, partially because it really pissed a couple folks off... but mostly because I just crack myself up. I know that's not really a good thing... but come on... this is good stuff. Anyway... enjoy... May was obviously a real good month.
*** Disclaimer *** This is where a lesser man would say, "I don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings ect ect..." Whatever. I figure, if you are minding your own business, and someone randomly mocks your faith, then you have a gripe, but if your faith sends folks around harassing people in the middle of the day, then you got it coming. If you are a mormon, and this is offensive, then you must have wanted to be offended, so I don't give a damn. After all, if you didn't want to get offended, you wouldn't have read it.
So it's monday. Julie's off at work... It's like 4:30 or so. Jeb woke about a hour ago, and he's runnin' around with his train. I'm sittin' in the rockin chair, listenin' to George Straight and wonderin' just what I was gonna post to follow up that eyeliner story...
Knock Knock Knock.
Door? Hrmm.. Who could that be...
HEY! I'll be damned! Ask and you shall recieve! It's the Mormons!
Three fine lookin' young women, looking very respectible in their flowered dresses.
Now I don't mess around with these people. They start in with their practiced closed questions and the first thing I do is break the pattern. I wanted to shake them up before we got started so I went inside, grabbed Jeb, and a corona, and came back out to the front porch. I plopped down on the swing, and while Jeb started playin'... One of the ladies said, "Ummm sir..."
"Aw! I'm sorry girls. I really am! That's just rude as hell, can I get you a beer too? No? It sure is hot... well suit yourself... So lets start with these tablets."
They were all still shocked that I had offered them a beer, but the short blonde in the gang pulled herself together enough to say, "You know about the tablets?"
I looked at her and started smiling. Then I chuckled a little and took a drink. "Well sure! I tell ya, old Joe must've been important though... I mean... Moses just got rock tablets. Joe rated Gold! Must've been some good stuff written on them tablets too... I mean if rock is good enough for the 10 commandments, what do you put on gold? Say what ever happened to those things?"
The oldest girl, spoke up then, "The lord recalled the tablets and.."
"Recalled them? Like they were defective? This don't make any sense to me. Moses got to keep his. I mean... Did Mr Young see these tablets? Did anyone see them? Moses didn't have tablets when he went up to the mountain, but when he came down, he had something to prove that some crazy voodoo mess went down up there, he had the stone tablets. I mean you don't start tellin' people you talked to a burnin' bush without some kinda proof. The Jews even got this special box to carry their tablets around in... Y'all got a special box?"
That came out rapid fire, and you can imagine the effect. There was some stammering, and I figgered if I had them on the ropes I may as well throw a haymaker.
"Y'all don't seem to know much about your religion. Say... are you girls wearing your holy underwear?"
Now we've got three red faces.
"Oh come on ladies.. don't be embarrassed, it's just like my son wears, sept no body said no prayer over his."
So the oldest one of the bunch made a comment about the cool motorcycle in the front yard. The equivalent of begging for mercy. She needed a break. Hey... I had plenty more ammo. Why not? so I played along and let them get back on track. They prattled off some stuff about this and that until the young blonde said, "How do you know something is true?"
Once again I smiled at her.. then laughed... then took a drink. "True? Well... First there is observable reality. I drop a rock, it falls. That means gravity is true."
Now here I was playing nice and the little wench went and interupted me. She started rambling about God offering wisdom and truth to anyone who sought it in true faith.
I smiled at her... then I laughed... then I took a drink. "Darlin' if it were that simple, we wouldn't have baptist, methodists, and catholics. Someone would've just prayed and asked, 'God, do I HAVE to be dunked or will just a sprinkle do?' and that would've been that. You're boy Joe... Was a prophet alright. You can others prophecying just like him too, in any bar in this country."
One got a little offended now. "Why don't you judge a faith by its fruit."
"Why yes ma'am. Let's see... My best friend in highschool was a mormon. In fact, he's a big cheese in your church. Judging by him, I'd say y'all ain't peddlin' fruit, you're peddlin' poison. This man was an elder in the church. He made frequent trips to the temples in atlanta and salt lake. funny though.. this prick was a flat out pervert. Hell.. one time I went to see his son, and this crazy old bastard answered the door nekkid! Have you ever seen a nude 300 pound polack? It's not pretty! Now I figure sure, every faith has bad apples, but this bad apples flourishes in your church. You ladies belong to a very young religion. The word people use to describe young religions is 'cult', and I can assure you, that word has a negative conatation for a reason."
They were wantin' to go at this point... but I figgered.. no way... you knocked on my door, and interupted my time. I'm having some fun.
"I could never be a part your sick cult. That man's wife had to work two jobs to support that family, on account of he was such a lazy good for nothing piece of crap. One job she had was a retail job, so she had to work some sundays. Now... Since she worked some sundays, she had to miss church on those days, and because she did, your cult refused to let her be present at her own son's wedding! Oh.. but the lazy pervert was there, no doubt wearing a nice new suit, that he charged on a credit card that she was bustin' her butt to pay off!"
Ok.. the girls were shook up now... but I let it go on like this for a little while longer. I continued my game with the little blonde. Every time she talked I would smile at her, then laugh, then take a drink, then rip apart what ever she said. By the end she wouldn't talk at all, and every time I looked at her she'd just look straight at her feet. hehehehe
Eventually I let them go. I had my fun. I apologiesed for being rude... but they thanked me and said, "no no.. everyone has an opinion..we enjoyed it."
yeah.. I'll bet you did.
As they were about to leave I reached over and ruffled the little blonde's hair and said, "If you ever want a ride cutie, come back any time... On the motorcycle I mean."