Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Fisking the Idiot Star Wars Reviewer

In case you missed it... over at Vox's Game blog, Alpha Game, Vox posted some moron's review of The Force Awakens.   Its amazingly stupid... which lets face it... is pretty much what you have to expect from a game blog... even Vox's.   His comments are in italics.  My own are in bold.  Remember this is not Vox's review.  He didnt' write it.  Some idiot did.

***WARNING:  EPIC SPOILERS FOLLOW***



You’ll be glad you didn’t see Star Wars VII: The Farce Awakens. The glaring questions it begs are projections of the female imperative.

Wait what?  Female Imperative?   What the hell does that even mean?  What are you some 35 year old fat virgin from a game blog venting his sexual frustrations on a movie?


Darth Vader, Luke, Kylo Ren, Obi Wan Kenobi, and all other force using experts in any previous Star Wars story, needed training based on years of apprenticeship with a 24/7 mentor to master the force.

Oh.  You are.   Ok then.

The entire premise of Jedi powers, like all martial skills, is that they must being “learned” and they develop over time with practice. Our heroine Rey, hinted heavily as being Luke’s daughter, instantly and without training or foreknowledge gets abilities with the force that took all other Jedi, Sith, decades to develop. So with no Jedi’s around, how does she even know the force can control weak minded storm troopers, much less use the old “you don’t need to see his papers” shtick.


Oh holy shit are you really this stupid?   Its not because she's a girl you moron.  Its because of her DNA (human biodiversity remember?) and because there are no more jedi.  Luke is on the shelf, if he was ever even a jedi at all, and all the others are gone.  There are no more jedi.  People don't even believe they existed anymore.  They are like myths.  So the Force is focusing on her to rebuild them.   This idea is beaten into the brains of the audience so hard I cannot fathom how anyone could be stupid enough to miss it.  And yet here you are.  Mouthbreathing...  taking time that you could've spent licking your favorite window... to make sure everyone knows you're to stupid it to get it.

They are both grandchildren of Darth Vader, but for some reason her untrained ability with the farce greater than her cousin’s trained ability with the force.  Morally all the new Luke, Rey, seems to be doing is self-centered and for no greater good.  Female imperative in spades, what’s good for the princess is by default the greater good.


I keep thinking this review can't get dumber... and yet...  it does.   She is doing what she's doing because she's being lead to do it by the Force.  Exactly how many extra-chromosomes do you have rattling around up there in that giant water filled head of yours?  Taking the droid to the rebels isn't "what's good for the princess" you moron.  What's good for the princess would've been taking the boatload of cash she was offered for the BB8.   And what did she do when she accomplished that?   She tried to go home.  Which is what her parents told her to do.  Look, I'm not entirely sure what window lickers mean when they say female imperative... but I'm pretty sure it doesn't mean "obeying your parents and going back to a shithole planet you hate even though you don't want to."


Using a light saber is analogous using a sword, hence to be at a level where you are proficient, much less not hurt yourself takes lots of training and effort.  Proficiency in martial skills are always in both great stories and real life acquired the same way one gets to Carnegie Hall.

hey sugartits did you happen to notice that she was pretty good at fighting already?  And what was she fighting with?  A staff.  So yes... its just completely crazy that she'd have some skill with other melee weapons isn't?  Oh and... its also just crazy that she could manage to not get killed (which is all she did) when fighting a severely wounded and not-fully-trained Kylo... who by the way was also obviously holding back because he wanted her alive. 


How can Rey without any training best Kylo Ren, the emo Darth Vader, with a light saber, while Kylo Ren has had years of training with the force and swords? Even though Vader, Anakin Skywalker, in his youth like Rey showed signs of mechanical genius and native ability with the force, to become proficient took years of training and a mentor?  When Luke first picked up a light sabre, he couldn’t deflect a laser pointer from a training drone much less use it effectively.  Even after training with both Kenobi and Yoda, Luke got his hand chopped off by Vader.

Luke was a farm boy that had never used a weapon of any kind in his life.  Rae is not.  She is living on her own and she is obviously extremely well trained in the use of melee weapons.  You'd know this if you would bother watching the movie... instead of sitting there seething... thinking about all the pretty girls you're to chicken shit to talk to.


The whole “force” in Rey defies the entire premise of the Jedi and use of the force in the previous 6 movies. How come the only character to get the ability and skill to use the force without putting in the work and effort is a girl?  Rey’s abilities make a farce of the force.  Why unlike all the men who do battle does she manage to get through against trained martial experts without even a scratch?

Without a scratch?  The first time she tangles with Kylo she gets completely wrecked and ends up getting her ass captured.  The second time.. Kylo has taken a severe blaster shot to the gut.  Again... this kind of thing makes me thing you haven't actually.. HEY!   are you.. no.. stop picking you nose and listen...  I was saying... it makes me think you haven't seen the movie.  Because see the movie makes a huge point of just how powerful Chewie's blaster is compared to all the others.  People get shot with blasters and they fall down.  People get shot with Chewie's blaster... and they fly 10 feet backwards and smash into walls.  Kylo took a gut shot from Chewie's blaster.  And stood there.  Like a badass.   He didn't block it like Vader.  He took it.  It hit him.  He was bleeding.  He was busted up.  But it didn't take him down or take him out.  He then went on to get cut and injured several more times.. all the while leaking from that blaster shot from Chewie.  His body was falling apart on him and he was still fighting.  And he was even at the end, obviously holding back keeping from killing her.   That, and only that, is the reason the girl lived.


The only good point of the entire move is the example set by both Anakin and Kylo; self-centered whiny emo is a clear indicator of a boy who is easily corrupted and gravitates toward evil

Exactly when did Kylo whine?  No seriously be specific.   When did he whine?   When things didn't go his way, and it happened a lot in this movie, he never once made an excuse.  He never once complained.   We have a word for this sugar tits.  Its projection.  Either that or confirmation bias.  You went in expecting to see him whine and pout and so you dreampt it up in your own head.

The Farce Awakens gives girls what they want, superiority to men in all things without having to put in the effort men put in to be the best they can be. The Farce did awaken.

Yes it’s just another example of the maxim:  women ruin everything.  In this case Star Wars.

Say...  sweetcheeks...  how did the rebels get the shields down?   Why isn't you didn't mention that?  I mean are you just so stupid you didn't realize that Captain Phasma was a girl?  Or was it the fact that Phasma's giant cowardly mistake ended up destroying not only Starkiller Base... but also your idiotic premise? 

Women aren't special and powerful in the movie retard.   One girl is.  She is powerful because the Force itself is focusing on her and guiding her.  She learns a crude version of the mind trick while she is trying to fight off Kylo's mental force probes.  That was a well written scene.  He attacks her... she fights it off, because he underestimates her, and in doing so... she (with the aid of the Force) learns a trick.  She tries it on the guard and fails.   She tries it again and fails.  Only the third time does it work.  And remember... Storm Troopers are notoriously easy to manipulate with the jedi mind trick. 

What I conclude here is simple.   You're just another loser that's pissed off at women... and is desperately looking to shout Wrongfun! at anyone who dares enjoy themselves with something you don't approve of.

Well piss off Nancy.

I say to you precisely what I say to the idiots at File 770.

I don't care.



18 comments:

robwbright said...

Completely agree. Nicely done.

robwbright said...

I sent a link to your post to a buddy of mine. His comments:

"That's pretty awesome. Something I think they might address going forward... Luke required far less training to become a "Jedi" than others. Anakin almost wasn't taken in because he was "too old," and he was like ten years old. Along comes Luke, and he learns everything he needs to learn to beat Vader through a couple training sessions with Kenobi and however long he was with Yoda (which seemed like a couple weeks, but was basically how long it took the Millenium Falcon to get from Hoth to Bespin). So, Anakin learned it all in a few years, Luke learned it all in a few days, and Rey is learning it on the fly. I'd like to think they're going to address that going forward."

Mr. Naron said...

Lesson learned: Drink your Maker's Mark before writing a takedown, not after. Well done.

Stg58/Animal Mother said...

Bravo. What s faggot that guy is. I think I'll tell him.

Stg58/Animal Mother said...

Bravo. What s faggot that guy is. I think I'll tell him.

SirThermite (VFM #0025) said...

Heh...and the black stormtrooper starts out as a fearful sanitation specialist who was kidnapped, enslaved, and brainwashed until he finds a white/Hispanic pilot to put him on the tie fighter underground railroad...and then eventually becomes a white knight for a white girl who was fixing to beat his ass as a criminal but later bats her eyes at him and gives him a hug.

VFM#0140 said...

Totally agree

Nate said...

"and then eventually becomes a white knight for a white girl who was fixing to beat his ass as a criminal but later bats her eyes at him and gives him a hug."

and awkward friendzone hug.

Mr. B.A.D. said...

Kylo Ren is not trained or has minimal training with a lightsaber. His fight with Fin, a traitor whom he would have loved to kill, lasts way too long. To see how a trained lightsaber fighter does against multiple hardened criminals see Luke vs Jaba's gang in ROJ. The only fight against a non-jedi that lasts more than a second is when Obi Wan fights Jango get in AOC, but he wants him alive. When a Jedi wants him dead later in the movie the fight lasts about 5 seconds.

Nate said...

". His fight with Fin, a traitor whom he would have loved to kill, lasts way too long. "

Again... you're forgetting the fact that his body was falling apart on him.

Mr. B.A.D. said...

Also, I couldn't agree more about Captain Phasma. She is supposed to be top bitch (literally huge) in a fanatical Order. But she fails to notice a soldier in obvious distress and follow through. When Fin runs her excuse is "well I told him to get retrained". And then she later non-chalantly disables the shields. " oh, you caught me. Guess I have to do everything you want up allowing you to kill all my people and blow up my planet"

Mr. B.A.D. said...

For as much as Ray is a supposed grrrl power icon, Phasma is the worst stereotype of women in charge.

Mr. B.A.D. said...

For as much as Ray is a supposed grrrl power icon, Phasma is the worst stereotype of women in charge.

Mr. B.A.D. said...

Also, I couldn't agree more about Captain Phasma. She is supposed to be top bitch (literally huge) in a fanatical Order. But she fails to notice a soldier in obvious distress and follow through. When Fin runs her excuse is "well I told him to get retrained". And then she later non-chalantly disables the shields. " oh, you caught me. Guess I have to do everything you want up allowing you to kill all my people and blow up my planet"

Mr. B.A.D. said...

Kylo Ren is not trained or has minimal training with a lightsaber. His fight with Fin, a traitor whom he would have loved to kill, lasts way too long. To see how a trained lightsaber fighter does against multiple hardened criminals see Luke vs Jaba's gang in ROJ. The only fight against a non-jedi that lasts more than a second is when Obi Wan fights Jango get in AOC, but he wants him alive. When a Jedi wants him dead later in the movie the fight lasts about 5 seconds.

Susan said...

Waded through some of the SW kerfuffle over at Vox's place. Me thinks that for somebody who is supposedly done with something, Vox has now passed through the doorway to the womanly side.
Women are usually the ones who claim they are done with something, but keep bringing up little zingers on the subject in any way they can. Like Inspector Morse, Vox can be surprisingly querulous at times.

Nate was right, if you haven't seen something, you really shouldn't be bitching about it. You are just showing ignorance.

I hated the Jar Jar Abrams reboot of ST simply because he poured fragrant manure all over Roddenberry's original legacy and characters and then rototilled it. You cannot use the same characters for a reboot, and change or ignore their history and still be credible.

patrick kelly said...

Kyle "Vader jr" is just lame. Nothing bad ass or special about him. Even the fx on his Darth jr vox box are sub par. The first time his helmet comes off I wondered if this was supposed to be Space Balls II.

I thought a Darth mask was supposed to signify some dark, mysterious, fierceness underneath. Turns out it must just be part of a 1st Order Lieutenant uniform.

He weren't scarey even a wee bit, nope nope nope

Unknown said...

"Waded through some of the SW kerfuffle over at Vox's place. Me thinks that for somebody who is supposedly done with something, Vox has now passed through the doorway to the womanly side. "

Not really, when half the time it's other people bringing it up. He's just commenting on it. I usually see these sorts of comments from people that usually don't have much to say other than add some passive aggressiveness:

"Oh, YOU'RE commenting? I guess you're worse than them, now, aren't you?" (insert full sarcasm)

However, the review at Vox's blog isn't as bad as the one on Alternative Right. Now that one is horrible.