- An elephant and an ant fall madly in love and are married. That night... in the throws of passionate love making... the elephant has a heart attack and dies. Says the ant to himself... "Oh nice... 5 minutes of pleasure... and now I got to spend the rest of my life diggin' a hole."
- So this guy walks out of his front door... and he sees a snail on his porch... He picks up the snail and throws it over his fence. 4 years later... he opens his front door... and the snail says... "What'd you do that for?"
- An evironmentalist called in a repairman to fix her electric clock. He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."
She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."
- A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
- One day mama bear and papa bear were getting a divorce. The judge decided that baby bear was going to live with mama bear.
Baby bear started to cry . "Whats wrong?" the judge asked baby bear.
"I dont want to live with mama bear, she abuses me!" said baby bear.
"Then, you can live with papa bear" said the judge.
Baby bear started to cry even harder the judge asked him, "Whats wrong?" Baby bear replied,
" I dont want to live with papa bear he abuses me even more than mama bear does."
"Then who do you want to live with?" asked the judge.
Baby bear replied, "I want to live with the Baylor Bears, because they don't beat anyone!"
- Why did the sheep jump into the lake?
He wanted to take a ba-a-a-th.
- What did the outlet say to the cord?
Socket to me, baby.
- Two muffins are in the oven. One looks over and says, "Gee, don't you think it's hot in here?" and the other muffin says, "AAAAHHH!!!! A talking muffin!!!"