Bad Joke Wednesday

Let's start with my boy Eli's favorite joke.

What's a whale's favorite game?

Swallow the leader.

Why is bra singular but panties is plural?

What do you get when you cross the atlantic ocean with the Titanic?

Halfway.

Did you hear about the cannibal that got expelled?

He was buttering up his teacher.

Man walks into a bar looking forlorn. Bartender asks him, "You've been walking on air for weeks mate, what's wrong?" The man says... "My wife an I had a fight and she kicked me out for a month. Months up today."

Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life.

Hey.. My name's Pavlov. Ring a bell?

Why does a moon rock taste better than an earth rock?

Its a little meteor.

Bert asked Earnie if he wanted some ice cream. Earnie said, "sure, Bert."

Why do bicycles fall over?

Because they're two-tired.

What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?

Same middle name.

Paper Does Not Beat Rock

Then He Returned!

and provided a link to an awesome new blog. Hide the women and children.

Ode To Carlos Torano

On a breezy overcast day I found myself strolling the streets of the Ancient City. A familiar urge was bubbling up from the darker places of my soul when I happened upon a great convenience... one of the few benefits urban society has to offer.

I had found a purveyor of combustible delicacies the likes of which a rural man can only peruse on the modern miracle we call the World Wide Web. A tiny shop to be sure... but appropriately... the vast majority of it was taken up by a massive humidor which was filled to the brim with the names of all my beloved friends... Romeo y Julieta.... that most famously awesome duo... and over there was their neighbor Mr Padron. And off in the corner sulking all alone was Excalibur itself. The mind whirled... choices... choices and decisions of terrible consequence. What to do?

One may find it hard to believe but the moments in that humidor were the most stressful I've experienced in many days... At last though... as one must... a girded up my loins and sought out the fine manager. She kindly provided me with 2 boxes of matches and threw in a complimentary cutter for good measure. God bless her... for I feared I should have to profane my tasty acquisitions with butane...

Butane... that most profane of fumes... who's fire is fit only for cigarettes and small felines. Any who see fit to expose fine tobacco to such a rude fire should be relegated to the pillory... if not the Iron Maiden herself. The thought crossed my mind... you know they have one of those here.

At any rate... Cigar smoking is like prayer. One must assign time to it. Serious prayer is not for the spur of the moment.... its not something one just fits in to their busy schedule. One sets aside time to do it properly. Cigars are the same way.

Often I choose my particular cigars based on the time I have available to experience them. Today my judgement lead me to the under appreciated Mr Torano... an Exodus 1959 label... dark and dangerous. It positively wreaked of cocoa. It took several matches to wake it up... not entirely because the fretful tobaccoist kept the humidor at something like 98% humidity. The ocean breeze didn't simplify things at all... but alas we don't complain... even if the lighting was the second most stressful event in the last several days.

I would tell you that I don't have the words to describe the glorious taste... but that would be a pathetic triumvirate of falsehood, cliche, and misjustice.

The cigar is... tobacco colored. Its dark and dusky... its powerful and complex. Its a taste that changes rapidly and makes you think. Its earthy... and yet there are fruits... its smooth... with a proper bite at the finish. Ahh.. Mr Torano... A man of less impressive breeding would've given in to his temptations, extinguished the fiery delight, and eaten it whole.

I was strong... and stuffed that wretched desire and chained it down deep where it belongs.

It was a fine smoke friends... and I sincerely hope you get to have one yourself. As for me... fret not... for I have two more offerings to tide me.

The Tactical Mind

I want to take some time to give some down to earth practical advice. Lots of us carry. If you carry to... this is for you.

The most important thing in a fire fight is not the type of weapons involved... its the minds of the collective participants. You fight more with your head than your hands. So just like you prepare your hands by drilling at the range... you also need to prepare your head.

You need to develop a tactical mind.

The first step to this is accepting the reality that this is a dangerous world, and combat is not only possible... at some point... its probable. Once you've accepted that you can take the necessary steps to insure the proper response... which is to kill the sorry son-of-a-bitch that tries to bring harm to you or your loved ones.

The next logical step once you've accepted reality is situational awareness. Now we humans have been conditioned to shut our brains off and wonder around on auto pilot. If you've ever seen zombie kids with ear buds walking down the street you know exactly what I'm talking about. You don't have that option. Your brain is on... and going thousand miles an hour... every second of the day.

This doesn't mean you're paranoid. It means you're awake. You should find yourself thinking about questions. "Where is my gun?" "If someone broke through that door just now... would I be able to respond?" "What would I do?"

Now on to step two... what happens when you find yourself in a fight? For all of psychology's faults... and there are many... it has provided us with some useful information about human emotion. So we actually know a lot about what you're going to feel when a confrontation starts. Obviously everyone is going to react differently... but we can speak in general terms and can certainly give you a starting point.

You may think you'll be afraid, but that's not likely. Fear actually takes a while to build up. Fear is the accumulation of negative thoughts. You won't have much time to be thinking negative thoughts. The first thing you'll feel is most accurately described as astonishment. You'll be utterly amazed that someone has suddenly attacked you or your loved ones. Its extremely important that you are able to recognize this and act accordingly. Another important thing to remember is what to do if you actually do have time for fear to well up. I'll give you the best advice I've ever been given when it comes to dealing with fear: Get. Pissed. Off. Yes... you read it correctly. You must make a conscience effort to convert that fear to anger. Humans function very well when angry. Not at all well when afraid... and yet the two are closely related. Its remarkably easy to convert fear to anger... so do it. After all... that son-of-a-bitch is trying to take everything from you.

These next seconds are critical. Seconds is all you have. Chances are the whole fight will be over in 30 seconds... especially if you keep your head. During the fight... it will be easy to get lost in a million different thoughts... and thus to just shut down and start squeezing the trigger. It happens to cops a lot. I know cops that have sworn they only fired 4 shots in a fire fight... but had actually emptied their 9mm's mag and stuffed the weapon back in its holster with the slide still locked back.

People that shut down like that don't do very well in a fire fight.

I'm going to keep this as simple as possible. You must allow yourself to think only this:

"DRAW. FRONT SIGHT. PRESS. FRONT SIGHT. PRESS. FRONT SIGHT. PRESS."

You must see the front sight. Make yourself see it. If you see it.... you'll hit the bad guy. One drill I do is firing as quickly as possible by relying on muscle memory to let my pistol fall back to the exact same position after recoil... and trying to locate the front sight before I can double tap. If I'm not able... I slow down a little.

Now...

Its all over. The bad guy is laying dead at your feet... where he belongs. Now what? Well do you want the PC 21st century version or do you want the truth? The PC 21st century says you're going to be terrified... shaken... upset... and traumatized because you had to shoot some one.

The truth?

The truth is you're going to be elated... exhilarated...and positively pumped. Food will taste better... Beds will feel softer... and you'll be at least an inch taller. Winning a fight, and that's what you've just done, doesn't traumatize us. It fires us up.

Winning a fight didn't become traumatizing until the lawyers got involved.

So lets sum up the Tactical Mind:

1) Situational Awareness. Be vigilant. Understand that fighting is a distinct possibility and make up your mind to be ready for it.

2) During the fight... concentrate on technique. FRONT SIGHT. PRESS. FRONT SIGHT. PRESS. If you find yourself being afraid... try to convert that fear to anger.

3) After the action... try not to strut around to much.

Dora: Glorious Obsurdity

Tonight I wish to discuss an oddity of history... and marvel of engineering. She was the largest of her kind... terrifyingly effective... and at the same time... outregously useless.

Among the 1,420 men it took to assemble and operate her... she was called Dora. Her manufacturer... Krupp... called her Shwerer Gustav... now... she's simply known as the largest gun ever built.

Krupp began designing the Gustav in 1934. She was meant to be the battering ram that would destroy the famed Maginot Line. Of course... in 1940... when the German's famously walked around the Line... and ruined its men and fortifications... the Gustav was still in the workshops.

By the time she was completed... it looked as though there was simply no where to use her... but still... she was a beauty and terror of such perportion that you couldn't blame them for trying. I mean... You don't build a gun like this... and not shoot it.

How big was she? in all honesty she almost defies description.

Dora weighed in a 1,350 tons. Her cannon was 80 centimeters. No... not millimeters. Centimeters. She had a maximum range of 30 miles.

For a time they thought they might get to shoot her at an allied fortification on Gibralter... but Spain nixed that.

It wasn't until 1941 that they finally found something worthy of her... It was a russian port... so heavily fortified it was said to be invulnerable to conventional weapons.

Dora was taken to russia by train... which made sense... since she was designed as a rail car... and trains were the only thing big enough to move her. 1500 soldiers led by engineers made up an advance team that laid special double tracks... and spent 6 weeks preparing the site that would eventually be used to construct and fire the great gun.

When they were done... a crew of 1420 set about assembling Dora on site. Even with the use of 2 10-ton cranes, it took between 3 and 6 weeks to put her together. It took 500 men just to deal with her ammunition... and another 1000 for target intelligence, and air defense.

On the 5th of June, 1942 Dora cleared her throat. True she was but one weapon among hundered set against Sevestopal... but her devastation is still legendary. It took her only 8 shots to level the coastal batteries that had stood for centuries.

Later in the day... she fired 6 shots... which destroyed Fort Stalin. 14 shots in 1 day was all they managed. The fasted turn around was 15 minutes between shots. Still... when you consider the scale of destruction...it was impressive.

On June 6th they aimed the big gun at Fort Molotov... and seven shots later.... it was ruined.

Then Dora turned her considerable attention to sea. Amazingly enough the Russians had buried an huge weapons cache out under the harbor... beneathe the sea itself... but they learned that day that what Dora wants... Dora gets.

It took 9 shots. 9 shots to burrow down through the sea... more than 100 feat below the sea floor. The final shot exploded inside the cache and destroyed it completely. They even sunk a ship for good measure.

That was that.

Dora was never fired again. She was disassembled and transported back to Germany... but on the way her trains were destroyed... scattering her parts all over the country side. All that remains today are a few inert shells.

Still... she was a marvel. Utterly useless... and yet undeniably effective.

ATF: SHOT 2009

So Luke I are down in Orlando... probly cold where you are eh? Yeah that sucks... anyway... we're down here enjoying SHOT 2009. Boys I can tell ya... I have seen many things. I've fondled many... firearms... and knives... and accessories... for... firearms... and I took a test ride on a Rockon two wheel drive motorcycle. The show is unbelievable. Think of the largest mall you've ever seen... now imagine the entire thing packed with gun stuff. That's SHOT. A google search would provide you more information.. you can even look at the exhibitors list... which will give you another idea of scale. We walked roughly ten miles today... and saw a little less than half of the exhibits. Madness.

We didn't come home empty handed of course... much swag has been had... and Luke even managed to find a bayonet for his FNP-40. But wait you say... the FNP-40 is a pistol! You can't put a bayonett on a bloody pistol!

Oh you can't?

Not only that... he used it to cut the smoked venison we had for dinner. And yes... it is KaBar... thanks for asking.

And now we're drinkin', and smokin'... dammit.

Project 1911 Completed

Thanks to the Brothers C. With their help, and a few minor miracles... a new 1911 was birthed today. We all learned a lot about the weapon... and I can honestly say... if you've never attempted to build your own 1911...

Don't.