Thursday, June 29, 2006

The Myth of Fibromyalgia

I want to take a moment to talk about Whiner's Disease, the supposed diagnoses there-of, and its supposed treatments. I may throw in a random fact or two... as well as a tale from the barbershop.

Let's start with the basics. What is Fibromyalgia?

Well... if we're being honest its the term honest doctors use to describe whiney drug seeking patients who claim they hurt all over, but display no physiological reason for the pain. I'm sure it will suprise you all to learn that 80 to 90% of those diagnosed with Fibromyalgia are women. Again... there is no obvious reason for this... except that women whine more.

In order to be diagnosed with this "disease" you have to have pain in all four quadrants of your body. That is above and below the waist, and on the right and left side. There are also 9 paired spots (18 total) that are listed as potential tender areas. 11 of these have to be tender for you to be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia. If the number 11 sounds arbitrary as hell, there is a good reason. I'd love to hear one of these morons explain why someone with 10 tender spots is faking it while someone with 11 has a recognized clinicly treated disease. The diagram below shows the 9 paired potential tender spots.

Gee... Do you know any women with tender elbows? Knees? Shoulders? Lower back? Pay close attention and you'll note that some of these, if not most are actually pressure points. In otherwords... everyone is tender there.

The most entertaining thing about Fibromyalgia though, are the drugs that are the most successful in treating it. Two guesses on what they are used for...

Perhaps I shall related this in the form of a tale...

It will suprise no one that I get my hair cut at the Dixie Barbershop. This is grand ol' place... complete with a roll of duct tape hanging on the wall right next to the trimmers and scissors. The barber has even rigged up a vacuum system with PVC and a shopvac that basicly sucks the hair away as his trimming. It's awesome. And yes... there is a bona fide barber pole out front.

Needless to say I love the place.

A good haircut takes 30 minutes... but beware... a good haircut is almost always defined as a Fort Campbell special. I asked for short hair... and now I look like AIRBORN as hell. My wife looked at me when I walked in and said, "Well hello Trooper Cherolis! This doesn't mean she didn't love it.

Anyway.. while I was there a fella started whining about his back pain... and I suppose he recognized one of the other fellas as a doctor... because he started talking to him about Fibromyalgia. He claimed that two of his friends had it, and had been givin this miracle drug that cured them. He couldn't pronounce the name... but he wrote it down and handed it to the doctor, and asked if the he recognized it.

The doctor just smiled and said...

"oh yeah... I recognize this... its a pretty powerful anti-depressant."

The doctor didn't laugh.

But I did.

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