Elkan is Unimpressed

The Black Widow spider is... with good reason... among the creepiest creatures on the entire planet. Its venom is a neurotoxin that can be fatal... most often to the young or old... but young adults do rarely die.

The toxin causes severe muscle spasms and often whole body reactions... causing resperatory issue and severe nausea.

So yesterday morning... we're all in the pool swimming... when Jeb starts shouting about a spider on Elkan. DrWho is on it instantly.. and flicks the wretched beast into the water.. where I scoop it up and throw in onto the pool deck.

Once up there myself I find the stunned creature is in fact a female black widow... and its not a small one... the spots down her back indicate she's the Northern variety... fucking yankees.

Splat.

Problem solved.

Well.. until about 15 minutes later when I realize the little fella has an obvious bite on his shoulder... plain as day.

As you can imagine the next three hours are a little frantic... but to spare myself reliving them... I will say only this... He didn't show a single symptom. He laughed and played and did his thing... and the bite mark has all but disappeared at this point.

Elkan thinks black widows are pussies.

I Apologize

Apparently someone decided to take advantage of my vacation. The made ignorant and classless comments that I am fairly certain would never have been posted had I been on the watch.

I am greatly irritated that one should use my blog to vomit such cud.

Be advised...

There are very very few rules here. In fact... its harder to get banned here than it is to get banned at just about any other blog. Don't irritate DrWho. And don't piss off Spacebunny.

Bitch.

Father of the Year

When a man broke in to his teenaged daughters bedroom... wearing nothing but gloves, a mask, and a raging hardon... Daddy did the only reasonable thing he could think of.

He killed the psycho with his bare hands.

The police apparently arrived to find Daddy (that capitalization is deliberate. It shouldn't need to be explained.) clutching the would be rapist in some terrible submission hold. It took them several minutes to convince Daddy to let the bastard go. When he finally did... the freak slumped "unresponsively" to the floor.

Daddy had apparently choked the bastard out... for good.

Some are saying the father had no weapon... but I prefer to believe Daddy considered shooting him... then decided it wasn't personal enough.

A few things we can conclude... One... No teenaged boy will ever sneak into that girl's room... and Two... that teenaged girl will likely never disobey again... ever.

WTF???

Ok seriously... Our lives just got a little bit more interesting. I mean damn... a man is stuck in an air duct of a knoxville museum... calls 911... and claims he was dropped on the roof by a helicopter. He was supposed to disarm and retrieve a nuke... a MERV to be exact... from a... a... ahem... apparently it was supposed to be hidden in a plastic cow statue in the basement.

I'm serious.

Nuke in a plastic cow... in knoxville... which the American Illuminati... director Womack apparently... sent him to fetch. Badge number 0931.

So not only are the illuminati out there... they have badges... and you know... they're also ummm... comicly incompetent.

Alrighty then.

Kawasaki Heavy Industries

Take a look at this pic. Any idea what that is? Here's a hint... it weighs 2,400 tons... and it produces 100,000 horsepower. Yeah... its a deisel engine... from hell. Take close look at the scale of the thing. See the saftey rails? See the guy standing on it? For the record its 12 cylinder engine with a bore and stroke is 1m by 3m. I mean... damn.

The general public things Kawasaki is a company that makes motorcycles. In truth... they make everything from bridges to massive cargo vessels.

Every engineer in the world should dream of working for Kawasaki. Seriously. The company basicly decides what markets to get into by asking itself... "Would ten year old boys think this is cool?" Ok... maybe they don't... but if they had... the results wouldn't be any different.

Bike Budgets

Boysmom chimed in a while back and asked a doosie of a question. Wat should be budgeted to aquire a capable motorcycle... and the required gear?

Now first of all... no one should hold illusions of riding through a hail storm. Yes... lots of fellow adventurers have been caught in hail storms before... but take it from me... at 60 mph... hail hurts.

Bad.

Lets consider some options though... sounds like she was looking for a commuter that could deal with the elements. You could roll two ways... You could go with a BMW... that's a great option... but realisticly you'd need 10 grand to pick up a nice 1150GS and the safety gear to go with it. You may aquire it for less... but I couldn't guarantee it.

The other option is a Kawasaki KLR650. With 5 grand you could have a nice late model klr and all the gear necessary to make it a rock star commuter.

Either of these bikes would have hardbags... electric outlets for heated vests (which would be your best bet) and heated grips.

Another good option... not quite as rugged perhaps... would be kawasaki versys... that would be somewhere in the middle.

ATF: The Chill The Fuck Out Edition

What in the blue hell is wrong with you people? Some idiot on cable news says gas may double in price over the next week... and every one of you morons shows up at the gas station... then ya panic when you realize that... duh... if everyone buys gas at the same time... we all run out of gas.

Exactly how many extra chromosomes do you people have?

This is a damned catagory 2 storm. Its freaking rain. You've lit your damned panties on fire and given these greedy bastards a golden opertunity to rape the shit out of us. You're freakin' out about a gas shortage... and these pricks are paying for their new boats by jacking up their prices on gas that is already in the damned ground!

Hey dumbass! You have a full tank. You don't need more. Next week... all this shit will be forgotten about... and you will have paid 3 dollars a gallon to much for gas you didn't even need!

The fucking sky is not fucking falling! Do you fucking understand you ignorant fuck?

Good.

Now shut up and drink your beer... watch your football... and smoke your damned smoke.

Prayers for a Father

Today (thursday) is the sentencing hearing for the father of a mutual friend of ours. By ours... I mean yours and mine. If you know... you know. Be discrete in the comments. Prayers are always appreciated.

Dave Ramsey = Idiot

Now... let me preface this public flogging. Dave is not wrong about personal debt. By all means... work to become debt free. Cut up your credit cards. The spanking I'm about to administer is purely related to his column... a mailbag of sorts... where in he responds to a question about inflation. A woman emailed him and ask him to explain what inflation is. This is his answer:

"Basically, inflation is the increase in the cost of something. For example, if the inflation rate of gasoline is 10 percent, that means the cost of gas went up by 10 percent.

There are a lot of variables involved when the price of a product increases. One of these is simple supply and demand economics. This means that if there's a shortage of a product, it's perceived to be more valuable. The result of this is almost a bidding war of sorts, and it will cause prices to go up.

The opposite is true if there's an over abundance of a product or item. If you've got 10 people wanting 100 items, then you've got a soft market, and the prices will go down. That's called "deflation."

That's a pretty simple factor, but the variables can get complicated and interconnected. If you're buying food from another country, that particular country's economic situation affects our economy because it's a component of our economy.

Or let's say you're building a house, and shingles for the roof are more expensive than they used to be. Well, there's oil in singles, and the price of a box of shingles may have gone up because the price of oil went up. So then, you're looking at a scenario where oil caused housing prices to rise."

Ridiculous. Utter idiocy. Pure unadulterated bunk. Ramsey describes perfectly natural and normal changes in supply and demand and then calls it inflation.

This confusion is pure Keynesian stupidity.

Prior to 1930 everyone knew that inflation had nothing to do with individual prices. Inflation is related to money supply. Price increases are symptoms of inflation. They are not the cause. When governments print to much damn money... that is inflation. Yes... prices go up... because the individual dollars in your bank account are worth less... because... as I said before... The government printed to damned many of them.

Ramsey has an enormous audiance... and its made up almost completely of the economicly illiterate. They trust him implicitly. So when he writes stupid crap like this... they believe him. They now know that any time a price goes up... you call that inflation... and any time a price goes down... its deflation.

No doubt they are all scratching their heads wondering why on earth massive deflation would be a bad thing. After all.. if everything were cheaper... they could buy more right?

Dave should be punched in the face for writing this. He is perpetuating a deadly ignorance. He is fascilitating the fiscal suicide of the nation he claims to love, by disarming the public of the information necessary to prevent it.

Not that preventing it is necessarily desirable of course.

Jerry Reed And Chet Atkins Jerrys Breakdown

The music in Heaven is a little better today. Mainstream America only knows him for Smokey and the Bandit... or as the football coach in Waterboy... but the truth is the man was a phenom on the guitar. He wrote... at least 20 songs that Chet Atkins recorded... he wrote songs for Elvis... and the all time greats... I mean Clapton.. BB King... Les Paul... They all knew, respected, and loved Jerry.

Brad Paisley tells a story about a time he got to play with BB King... about three seconds after he picked up his guitar BB said, "Oh... You're like Jerry Reed."

He didn't mean Brad was a good as Jerry... he was talking about the style. Brad's good... but he ain't Jerry... and Brad would be the first to say it.

The world lost a character... but Heaven gained a helluva picker. I sure hope he and Chett are havin' a big time.

Fire Fulmer

When will the idiots in Knoxville finally wake up and see that Phill Fulmer is out of touch... and is incapable of producing SEC Championships?

The loss Monday Night was unacceptable. If the man gave a damn about the University of Tennessee.. he'd resign effective immediately.

He is an embarassment.

John Chavis is an embarassment.

This football team... is an embarassment.

Be Sure to Read the Shirt






















For you ol' timers... her shirt says, "I may be broke, but I'm not flat busted."

I'll Be in My Bunk

There you have it. The GILF herself... clinging to her gun... as JaMama would say.

Let Me Be The First To Say It

Take a gander at McCain's choice for VP...

And take my advice. Get used to the term GILF. You're going to be hearing it alot. And yes.. that's in this picture she's doing something Obama's never done. She's working.

There Will Be No Desent...

when I apply the term "Badass" to this ol' lady.

Young punk breaks into her hous at night... she grabs her gun (a .22 for the record) and tells the kid, "You've had it."

She then procedes to make him dial 911... on himself.

How embarassing.

It Happens Every Day

Coulda been you. You're shopping late at night... you pay with your debit card... you're loading up your groceries... and suddenly you've got a gun in your face.

If it ever does... I know a lot of you will be well prepared. I wish all of you were.

If you follow that link... pay attention. The intended victim didn't go straight for his gun. He tried to play nice. He even handed his over his wallet. He didn't want to shoot that kid. He dropped his wallet and ducked behind the open car door.

In otherwords... he did what the criminal wanted... just like the television tells you to. Note the criminal's response. It wasnt' to take the money and run... He ignored the wallet and started shooting through the door.

I am not going to cast judgement here... but I wouldn't have picked this particular tactic for my own defense. I applaud the use of cover... but I am wondering why it took so long for the man to get to his weapon. I mean.. you should be able to pull your gun faster than you can pull your wallet. It seems reasonable to assume he was caught with his proverbial pants down and needed to get the bags out of his hands before he could get to his weapon.

Situational awareness people.

Pay attention.

That kid didn't just materialize. If that guy was paying better attention to his surroundings he could've seen that kid approaching. He should have seen the kid approaching.

Keep your head on a swivel folks... and know when you're in a bad spot.

And always remember... armed self defense works... and it happens every day in the US.

Behavior Modification

Given the response to the post below... I thought I would share a legendary tale... that just happens to be true. Again... the names have been changed...

A man... and let me repeat that.. a man... agreed to go on a trip with three women... his wife... her sister... and her mother. And yes, this goes exactly how you think its going to go. At least up to a point. Which is where it gets very good indeed.

Read... and learn.

They had been in the car no more than 15 minutes when the nagging and bitching started. Over the course of the next 45 minutes... the nagging turned to just plain man bashing... and individual bashing.

After about an hour and a half... they were about to reach the outskirts of Louisville... when the Man said, "That's it. I've heard enough. I'm not going to listen to any more of this garbage."

Amazingly... they didn't stop. If anything they got worse.

The man didn't say another word. He just kept driving.

Eventually the women expressed a desire for sustanence... so... he obliged. He found a resturaunt... parked... sat down at the table with them... and listened as once again the bitching and bashing resumed.

Without a word...

The man got up... went to the car... and drove home.

Home.

He ditched them.

He left their asses 2 hours from home... in a resturaunt... with no car... and didn't even bother to tell them he was doing it. What was the aftermath?

Ask him what his wife said when she got home...

"Subject's never come up."

Ask him how he thought they would get home...

"I really didn't give a damn."

Ask him how the inlaws have treated him since...

"Well... they've been just as polite as they could be. They've been down right pleasant. Now they may be sayin' God knows what about me when I ain't around. But they don't say shit about me when I'm around."

To this day no one knows how they got home. Its assumed they rented a car... hey... they're grown women. They are capable of getting home. Some at the time expressed that if it had happened to them... they would've been really worried about him disappearing like that.

To that... I say the same thing he would likely say if you asked him. If they gave a damn they wouldn't have behaved so badly in the first place.

Now... before I go further... I don't want you to think that I think negatively at all about the women involved in this series of events. Its very easy... very easy indeed... to allow group dynamics to get out of hand. Its also easy to mistake a serious warning for an empty threat.

What I hope you folks take away from this is the lesson. Look at the way the Man handled the situation. Look at the results of his actions. Modern society teaches that this kind of action is unthinkable. To almost all of you... the actions are beyong the veil of civilization. Its an option that simply does not occur to you. I am suggesting that it should. I am also going one step further... I am telling you that not only did his actions NOT damage his relationship with the women involved... his actions improved the relationships.

You can call him anything you want.

I call him Badass.

Yipee Ki Yay

It goes without saying that, among the skills I aquired as a child, the ability to easedrop is among my most favoured. In fact... it may be the most widely used skill I possess... and never ceases to provide entertainment in the times and places such is desperately needed.

For example...

Tonight I made a run to Taco Bell... and apparently... so did the rest of the county. While waiting for our food... and mind you... when I see we.. I mean myself... and the lobby full of other folks... I did what I do. I stood facing forward.. blank faced... seemingly in my own world... secretly monitoring the conversations of everyone around me from the workers to the two chicks in the corner.

This is one bit I picked up...

Fat girl: So I guess ya feel pretty bad about Kenny?

Cute girl: Yeah.. I mean... he's hot.. but I've got a boyfriend.

Fat girl: Yeah...

Cute girl: and I don't even mind his wheel chair.. but I mean... ... how do you... I mean... I guess you just climb on.

*** Now at this point I had to look out of the corner of my eye... and I'm so glad I did. Because if I hadn't... I never would've seen the girl twirling the imaginary lasso over her head and pelvic thrusting***

Try as I might.. I couldn't keep a straight face after the fat girl realized I had heard the whole exchange. We both cracked up.... and the cute chick just buried her head in her hands on the counter.

Nate: Aww hell... don't be embarassed darlin'. Why I think its shows a class and an open mind to look past that wheel chair.

Yes... I actually managed to use the word class.

Ain't that just precious?

Reminds me of another tale... though... to protect the innocent I'll change the setting. Suffice to say that a girl was talkin' to some guys about her husband... complainin' about the man's... ummm.. bedside manner. Apparently this fella fancied himself some kinda damned romantic. As I recall she said something like this...

"He's just always so... ***shudder*** soft and gentle. He's always telling me how much he loves me and how sweet I am... and he's looking in to my eyes and petting my cheek and stuff... I mean... dammit... pull my hair! Call me a bitch! Ya know what I'm sayin'?"

Yep.

We sure do baby.

We sure do.

Brother in Need

Hey y'all. Our buddy Clay's could sure use your prayers for his family. His mother has gone to hospice and has only been given a few more days. If the way her boy turned out is any indication... the woman must be a saint.

She'll be going to that other shore... where she will meet so many old friends and family who've gone before.

May her journey be a peaceful one.

Blue Water, Black Flag

***What follows is the first draft of the introduction. Have fun... and remeber... its the backbone draft. There is still a lot of fleshing out to do. Enjoy***


25 miles off the coast of somalia... Fikry Attallah's gastro intestinal system was in the advanced stage of rebellion. Wondering just what in the blue hell he was doin on this forsaken boat... he straightened himself up... and gargled some water from the canteen he brought.

"Finally!"

The man shouting was Fikry's much older cousin... Muhammad. Apparently they had found their prey.

Up ahead... maybe 10 miles out was a huge yacht. Through the binoculars Fikry could see drunken bikini clad women on the upper decks. Briefly he considered that this whole kidnapping deal may be quite a bit easier than expected.

The 5 men on the small boat quickly broke out their weapons... SKS rifles and AK-47s... and took an intercept course towards the big yacht ahead. The mercruisers in the back bellowed smoke and eaisly lifted the little cruiser's bow.

As he handed Fikry his rifle... Muhammad said flatly, "Do not be afraid cousin. These people are cowards... they are bugs. They are fat and soft... pigs. Today is a good day."

It occured to Fikry that the ladies on the upper decks hadn't looked fat in his binoculars at all.

They're boat was coming up on the big yacht fast now... and the men began firing their rifles into the air and shouting threats. Just as he'd been told to expect... Fikry saw a flurry of activity on the decks of the big ship. But...

Wasn't it supposed to try to run?

It didn't appear to be running at all.

There was an explosion... wood... pain... hot... What happened?

Another massive explosion rocked their little boat... Men were running. What the hell was going on?

Suddenly it was all to clear. Their little boat was under fire! Some kind of artillery was blasting away... from the yacht???

It couldn't be...

Muhammad and two others were covered and trying to return fire... but they were hopelessly out of range for their small rifles.

***BOOM*** ***BOOM***

Two huge shots rang out... both rocking the small cabin cruiser. Fikry was nearly tossed overboard when the second hit. Two men... well... parts of two men were strewn across the bow.. and Muhammad was curled up on the deck crying.

Through the searing pain, the blood, and the smoke.. Fikry saw the giant yacht approching. Two huge weapons were now mounted... both on the bow. On the upper decks he saw two men with large bore rifles... 50 bmgs perhaps... trained on him. And flying high above... He saw a black flag flapping proudly in the wind.

*****

The 20 millimeter lahti... the bow gun now mounted on President Davis' Revenge... sent one last shell through the ruined cabin cruiser of the somali pirates.

The crew didn't know it was Fikry's first time on a boat. Nor did they care... as they left he and his still weeping cousin to the cruel merciless sea.

Captain Tyler looked back over the sinking wreckage disappearing in the distance... and grumble to his first mate, "Dammit Curt... if we keep sinkin' em... we ain't got nothin' to sell."

"Sorry Cap'... you know SEALS are more experienced at demolition than salvage."

Tyler sighed...

"Clearly."

"Cap'!" shouted the blonde from the fly bridge. "Sat phone! Its the company."

Curt and Tyler exchanged a knowing glance... and the old captain swore under his breath as he started to climbed up the ladder.