Wednesday, June 01, 2005


Boy did this movie suck.

I cannot begin to explain how excited we were to see this. First of all… We all know that I am conspiracy nut with some serious paramilitary tendencies… Combine this knowledge with the fact that my two-year-old really digs penguins… and suddenly, a movie featuring a paramilitary squad of penguins bent on breaking out of the Zoo which has conspired to keep them locked away from their beloved Antarctica… and well… Duh. This film was made for us!

Nope. Not even close.

See… unfortunately these penguins aren’t really featured at all. They’re not the stars. Hell… they’re really just a plot device.

The movie is Green Acres. It’s The Beverly Hillbillies. It’s zoo animals from the big city, stuck on a remote island in the wild. Hilarity ensues. Well… not so much. I mean there is hilarity… but only when the penguins are present… and well… you saw all those scenes in the previews. The penquins are just there to get the main characters... the citified zoo animals... to the island of Madacascar... which is strangely deviod of the 18 million people who actually live there

The most disturbing thing about the movie is its schizophrenic nature. It’s 1 part kid flick… 1 part adult flick… and really neither… at the same time. Yeah… I know… I was confused too.

Here are some of the things I really liked:

The Penquins.

and Hear are some things I really hated:

Every thing else.

Schwimmer just sucks. In case you don’t realize David Schwimmer is the ass that played Ross on friends. Coincidentally he also plays Ross here… only this time Ross is a giraffe. He doesn’t even play the funny first season Ross either… It’s the lame caricature of Ross that made you want to shoot everyone associated with the show. You know… the one that started showing up in the 3rd episode of season 1.

Speaking of caricatures… Chris Rock plays a Zebra… well… actually he plays the same damned part he plays in every movie he’s in… except this time is animated… so its drawn as a Zebra… Imagine the Donkey from Shrek.. then take everything good about it, and replace it with a whole bunch of suck. Good. Now add stripes. You know what I think of Chris Rock? It’s like this… John Wayne and Clint Eastwood played the same part in every movie they were ever in. They played themselves. Yo Chris… This just in. You ain’t Clint Eastwood… and you ain’t John Wayne… hell.. best I can tell… you ain’t even Damon Wayans.

Anyway… I could go on for days on why this movie sucked and why you shouldn’t go see it. But let me just remind you of two things that the movie does have going for it… Its very clear on two points…

Penguins Rock.. and Cops really want to shoot people... or Zoo animals...

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