Wednesday, September 22, 2004

Disaster in 1996

Reasonable people know that you just don't do certain things. Like... for example... you don't buy a couch that's been sitting in someone's basement over a decade for 25 bucks... no matter how "nice" it is.

Sadly... this is usually something you learn...

Back in 1996 my most bestest buddy Josh, and I were moving into an apartment together. Stop you're snickerin'. We both had chicks at the time... well... I had a chick... anyway... We needed a couch, and this one was cheap.

So we made purchase of the great beast and took delivery of what must've been the most stupendously ugly "nice" couch in all the world. It was some unholy marriage of tweed and pale piss yellow... but was reported to be profoundly comfortable. Hey, it was a couch, not a painting.

It was of course, a sleeper sofa, meaning that the accursed blotch weighed at least 1000 pounds. Little did we know it would've been considerably lighter were it not for its rude cargo. We got the thing up the stairs an into our sad little apartment, only after a few small injuries and not quite so creative euphemisms.

Our chores complete we tried it out... comfy... ugly... we liked it. But then the Jones (that's Josh) had what an alchoholic might call... a moment of clarity. He offered up what would become the greatest understatement of all time: "It looks fine now... but we should probably go get some bug spray or somethin'."

A quick trip to walmart... and poof... we're back... I remember walking up the stairs with Josh... Happily rambling on about this and that... totally oblivious to the Horror that awaited us. Oh to return to that innocence...

We opened the door of our apartment to find unspeakable doom. The "Couch" had aparently been nothing but a Trojan Horse! The apartment was filled with thousands of Cave Crickets! The floor, the walls, the ceiling... They were everywhere! There are no numbers to adequately describe what we saw. Millions? bah... this was an ocean... A sea of foul hate-filled demons. They had apparently mistaken Josh's guitar for some weapon of great value, and were carrying it around... attempting to wield it menacingly.

Josh was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, I reached around him and slammed the door shut. We needed some time to compose ourselves.... We needed a plan.

This is what we came up with...

We knew our pitiful two cans of Raid were hopelessly out-matched... but... we had much better tools within... if we could just reach them.

We threw open the door and burst inside, spraying the ground in an arch as we went. The beasts were stunned by the fury of our initial attack and scattered! We made our way to our respective rooms to find our objectives. Once occomplished, we returned to the living room... now armed for our final assault.

Now normally, I would point out that bastard swords are not the best weapon for battling insects. These were not normal circumstances, and for this fight... two twenty-somethings with bastard swords and Raid backup seemed like just the thing.

We set upon the invaders with all our might. We stomped, stabbed, sprayed... The slaughter was aweful. The Jones then proved his valor. In a mad fit, he summoned all his fury and charged the very heart of the invasion force! The laid upon the couch itself! Exposing it's folded mattress and shooting the last of his Raid into it's very heart! The rout was on!

For the next few hours we cleaned up what was left of the carcasses... and then soaked the couch from the inside out with Raid.

The couch itself went on to serve us well, and from that night on, that apartment was home.

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