Sunday, August 07, 2005

Hockey vs. Soccer

A few of you have brought up this comparison... and a few have wondered about a good Southron boy bein' a hockey fan...

Let me just handle these issues real quick... startin' with the second one...

Hockey is my favorite sport. It's the favorite sport of lots of folks in the South... just like Baseball is. Oh... I know... You're all wadden' up panties right now... "What about Football!?!"

I can hear your screachin' all the way from Morgantown...

Football and NASCAR ain't sports in the South people. They're Religions. You put 200,000 people, prayin' in Christ's name all together... I don't care if there's a mess of race cars fixin' to start up or not.... That's Church!

And Football in the South needs no defense. Like the Popes of the middle ages... today in the South the most powerful man in Tennessee is not the Governor... Its the Vols headcoach. And think about Alabama... You think there's ever been an Alabama politician that had the influence Bear Bryant had? Hell no.

Football and NASCAR stand alone in my happy little world... Religions in the world of competition.

There are lots of things about Hockey that make it appeal to rednecks... and chief among them is the choice violence. Hockey has all the speed, and all the violence of football.

Hockey is what Soccer would be... Soccer hadn't been invented by a bunch French women.

Now about that first issue....

- Hockey is played on a rock hard piece of Ice. You fall... you loose teeth.
- Soccer is played on a groomed little field... and probably has a feather mattress pad spread out beneath the grass to cussion the falls.

- Hockey is the only sport besides boxing where fighting is actually legal.
- Soccer is the only sport were girls playin along side boys is actually legal.

- Soccer is called "The Beautiful Game".
- Hockey is called a Bar Fight with sticks.

- Soccer is totally deviod of tactical thinking.
- Tacticly, Hockey is second only to Football.

- Soccer players prance around.
- Hockey players chase each other with sticks.

- In Soccer... players are expected to fake injuries and flail around like wounded soap-opera stars.
- In Hockey... if a player takes a dive to draw a penalty, he gets fined 10 grand.

- Soccer players wear make-up and girly hair do's.
- Hockey players don't even bother with false-teeth.

So I'll grant ya... They both have goals... and they both have goalies... and the object is the same... get the thingy in the goal.

The difference is one was obviously designed by and for MEN.

The other was designed for and by Queeners.

Soccer is what ya get if you gave Hockey a decade worth of estrogen.

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