Friday, August 05, 2005

Protocol on Complimentin' the Ladies

A little advice for males out there... Boys... There are menfolk out there who are perfectly capable of applyin' terms like "Darlin' ", "Sweetheart", "Kiddo", and "Cutie" to women they barely know... or hell... even complete strangers. They do this without soundin' condescending or threatening. It's meant as a harmless compliment, and that's the way its takin'.

Odds are... You ain't of these men. If you think you are... then I can guarantee you ain't. Because if you are... you don't think it. You know it.

It's a skill boys.

Women are wary of strangers... and they've got their guard up a lot. Intentions mean everything, and women are very keen when it comes to sniffin' them out.

Now... Obviously I can pull off the "darlin' " thing. Part of that is because its not at all out of place for me... JAC is the same way. We're from the South. We're all about the South. So when we do it... it's real, its smooth, and it works.

I can even pull it off in the blogosphere. In the middle of a debate about God knows what... I can refer to a chick on the other side of the fence as "sweetheart" or "darlin' ". Now.. the first couple times it may get misinterprated... because delivery and inflection just ain't there... but after a while they realize it's not meant to be condesending at all.

Chicks who can't stand to be called "darlin' ", don't mind at all when boys like JAC or I do it.

Now I'll grant ya... Part of this is simply the result of my losing all ability to communicate with women without flirtin'. I don't know when I lost it either... I just know its gone. The only time it resurfaces is when I have to speak to a female bureacrat... but then its not my normal communication skills at work... Its just my bureacrat communication skills trumping my flirt skills. I never think of bureacrats by gender or race... it humanizes them to much. Its like namin' the calf you're fattin' up to eat. Its just a bad idea.

I brought this up because I was readin' a particular chick bitch about menfolk using petnames with her... I got to thinkin' about how many times women have complained to me about other guys usin' them... and the whole time their complainin' I'll be pattin' on the head and sayin' "I know sweetheart... some folks just have got to learn their limitations..."

This almost always elicits a little laugh followed by an enthusiastic, "SEE! You can do it! Its ok when you do it! Not so-and-so though! Its creepy when he does it!"

Not to long ago.. I was sittin' at a Sonic... and this cute little thing brought my food out to me... I was on the bike... so I had to sit at the picnic tables they got there. Anyway... I gave her a 10 and she reached in to get the change and I just said.. "Aw come on.. I'll tell ya what... you smile for me, and keep that change... We'll call it even darlin'."

She got this big ol' smile on her face... then we both laughed a little bit, and she went on her way.

Intentions... see? She was cute... therefore I was gonna give her to Cute Girl Tip regardless.. but I figured I'd get a smile out of her too... Nuthin' wrong with that. But if I was the type who never said that stuff... or if I were squirrely... like I was lookin' for more than a smile... it wouldn't of worked out so well a-tall.

Down here in the South everyone is more affectionate than up there in Yankee Hell. We look each other in the eye when we talk... Menfolk pat each other on the back... and complimentin' a lady ain't a come-on. It's a tradition.

One that I wish more menfolk would brush up on.

So here's some general rules...

1) Don't use a pet name in the first sentence you say to a stranger. Use ma'am or miss instead.

2) Do not pronouce it "darling". That's morally reprehensible and offensive to all right-minded and decent folk.

3) Never try to do it. If it don't come naturally... don't do it at all.

4) You have to get to know them pretty well before you can pat 'em on the rear.

5) Once you're buddies though...

Now.. lookin' back its occured to me that the Cute Girl Tip may require some explaination...

Here's the deal... I like hot waitresses. They improve my eatin' experience a great deal. You really can't beat a pretty girl who shows up with a sizzlin' steak and beer. I want to encourage more pretty girls to be waitresses... and I want to discourage the ugly ones. Consequently... ugly girls get only what they earn. Pretty girls have a baseline that already good... and whatever they earn just gets added on top of it. Pretty girls who give good service and wear low cut tops... particularly if they have a southron accent... well hell... I just hand 'em my whole wallet.

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