Monday, September 12, 2005

Bear Spray

So WhiskeyGirl got back lastnight. She went to visit a friend who lives in D.C. Now, setting aside our shock, discust, and dismay that anyone would choose to live in such a God-forsaken Hell-hole, we can at least be happy about the fact that it apparently provides us with entertaining stories of urban ignorance.

One of which, I'm fixing to pass on to you.

I should start out by explaining that WhiskeyGirl's friend is a liberal... a die-hard liberal... and a government employee... and a feminist... and apparently she's even read this blog.


I'm sure she loved it.

But I digress. WhiskeyGirl and her friend went out to eat with some her friend's other friends one night. In a bit of serendipity, one of the girls started talking about her friend who went backpacking in Montana. I know this was serendipidous because Whiskeygirl is gonna be backing in Montana a couple weeks from now.


The little boy in question... and I only say little boy because he is obviously ignorant as a post*... was quite uncomfortable roughing it. He wasn't comfortable shittin' in the woods... so he held it. Plus... he didn't realize that it would so cold at night... ahem... in Montana... so he had a hard time sleeping as well. So he's cold... he can't sleep... he's constipated... oh yeah... and he's terrified of bears. But that's ok... because he brought a whistle.


Yes. You read that right. He brought a whistle. Because you know... Bears are terrified of whistles. You can stop a charging bear in a heartbeat with one. WhiskeyGirl somehow kept from laughing... Apparently one night a bear actually came by the tent.... and of course... our little Nancyboy couldn't sleep... so he heard the bear... and of course... he was terrified...

So now I offer you this priceless image;

A cityboy... from DC... constipated, and sleep deprived. Cold and scared... shivering with a whistle in his mouth... thinking to himself... "If that bear gets any closer.. I'm gonna blow this whistle! I'll blow it! I will! Don't make me blow this whistle!"

WhiskeyGirl of course asked, "Didn't you have a gun?"

And... this is a question you just don't ask in Washington D.C. Everyone at the table suddenly got very uncomfortable. One little girl spoke up... "We don't believe in guns."

I like that. They don't believe in guns. So guns don't exist? Typical liberal attitude. I don't like X so I'm going to ignore it. This suprised WhiskeyGirl though... she tried to explain that there are wild animals in the world who eat people. Even liberals... but the girl refused to believe it. She had decided that bears only existed in Montana and "places like that". So as long as she stayed out of those places she'd never have to deal with bears. And as long as she stayed out of places with bears, she'd never have to worry about needing a gun. Did I mention she lived in D.C.? Que the laugh track.

When WhiskeyGirl, who mind you is infinitely more tactful than myself, attempted to point out that bears live in just about every state in the union... the girl simply laughed and blew her off, "Ha! There's no bears in Illinios."

And did I mention our little genius lived in Chicago before she moved to D.C.?

What do you say to that? Well.. I mean... if you're not a complete ass? I am a complete ass, so I would've pointed out that she's an idiot. I would've made fun of her until she slunk off to cry in the bathroom. In fact, I would've probably kept making fun of her until all of her friends were deeply offended and angry... and stormed off in a huff... and I'd probably still be making fun of her today. WhiskeyGirl however, would not. Sadly, I wasn't there...

WhiskeyGirl went on to ask about the fella that our little NancyBoy was camping with... Apparently he didn't have a Whistle. He had spray. Bear Spray. You spray this stuff in the bear's eyes, and it makes the bear go away. I swear to God I'm not making this up. Mace for bears. I mean seriously... who QC's these ideas? Did it occure to anyone that in order to spray something in the bear's eyes, you actually need to be close to it? These morons obviously don't realize that we already have non-leathal deterants for bears... we call them .357 magnums. WhiskeyGirl adds that tourists show up in Montana with bells around their ankles. Apparently they want to make it a little easier for the bears to eat them... so they make sure the bears know where they are.

And urban folks think rural folks are ignorant?

I mean... This whole episode has me thinking of those idiot kids in The Blair Witch Project... the ones who we all thought were impossibly stupid. Yet... here they are. People who honestly believe the whole United States is made up of cities.

I leave you with this blurb...

Our little genius... the girl who knows there are no bears in Illinios... she thought backpacking was stupid. She couldn't imagine why anyone would do such a thing. When the kid who actually went tried to explain about the amazing things he saw... she just said, "Its America. Any view that's worth anything that you can walk to, you can drive to."

*Of course most people think posts are dumb, but I contend that there is no way of knowing that, since no one has tried to teach a post anything. Posts could well be very intelligent if we just had an open mind and attemted to educate them. It takes months for a human to learn to read. Spend 4 or 5 months trying to teach a post to read, then we'll see who's dumb.

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