Thursday, June 24, 2004


It's very important that a man teach his sons to curse. This unfortunately is simply lost in our society. Kids learn to curse from TV by the time they are 3. This is rather like trying to teach a 3 year old to carve tomatos with a ginsu knife.

Since it's a lost art, I figured someone better find it. So here's my best explaination on how this should work.

1) Timing. When do you teach the boy this stuff? It varies from child to child. You have to make sure that they are mature enough to understand the art, and when to practice it, and more importantly, when and where not to. Around the time that you can trust the boy with his own firearm, you should he should be ready. Some great signs to look for: is he doing his chores without being told to? Can you send him to buy something, and he'll return with correct change without you asking? It may be time then.

2) Rules. Since I suspect most of you were not taught to cuss properly by an elder male, I better list the rules.

A) Never curse in front of a female.
B) You don't shoot a rabbit with a .454. Never use elite curse words when the typical ones will suffice.
C) Whenever you are working on an auto of any form, you must curse. No automobile has ever been repaired without a certain minimum amount of swearing. Anyone who says otherwise is a liar. This is also why Amish don't own cars.
D) The rate of swear words should be closely watched. It should rarely, if ever, increase beyond 1 per sentence.
E) it's proper pronunciation is "Gat-Dammit"
F) Damn has two syllables when properly spoken: "Day-em"
G) Male Zones exist where cursing is permissable. Barns, out-houses, garages, workshops, and honky-tonks.
H) You do not, under any circumstance, curse in the sanctuary. This is grounds for a beatin' far worse than any other you're likely to experience. This is why we don't work on cars in Church.

3) Exceptions: If a woman enters a Male Zone, and hears cursing, you are not to blame. It's her own fault for being there. Certain risks are understood.

We'll cover spitting one day too.

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