Friday, March 11, 2005

Meet Jebidiah

Julie was admitted to the hosptial on Friday November 1, 2002. The poor girl was in a bad way. She was having serious blood pressure issues, combined with recently discovered Oligo-hydraminos... That's doctor talk for "baby ain't got much fluid in there with him".

I can honestly say, when we got to the hospital... we were good patients. We brought a bunch of CDs, a Playstation... cards... we were set man, and we were very very patient and understanding with the nurses and staff.

By Saturday it was determined that they would induce the next day. So we spent that day resting up, and watching UT get slaughtered by Miami. We called everyone and let them know Jeb was on the way, and settled in for the long haul. We just had no idea how long a haul it would be.

After much stress and frustration, they finally hung the pitosen sunday afternoon. Julie went all night... with pretty much no change.

This of course wasn't suprising.. since the nurse had let the pit run out the night before. 12 hours wasted. Thanks honey. Still though... we were good patients. We were understanding... calm... and easy to get along with.

My parents were on the way up, and so was Julie's mom.

By Monday afternoon progress is still slow. We're gettin' the family all settled in, running to and fro. I guess it was around 7pm when it was decided that I needed to go home to make sure everyone could get into the house, and to tend to the dogs.

So... While I'm home... trying to grab a bite to eat, and letting the neglected beast mitrate... I get a call. It's Julie. I hear exactly what I hadn't dreamed I'd hear.

"They aren't gonna do anything until you get here. But you need to get here. Now."

You've got to be shitting me. We've been waiting aroudn for 3 days and now... all the sudden... we don't have time for me to eat a sandwich. GAH!

Ok, I get the dogs in, run outside, purposefully leaving the door unlocked so our people can get in... I hop in the Trooper, and bail to the Hospital. Not two blocks from my house I see my parents Expadition pullin' up. Serendipity!

I stop, stick my head out and say, "Don't talk. Follow."

They did.

In a panic, we make it to the hospital and rush up to the room... to find that Jeb's heart beat is taking some pretty nasty dips related to the contractions. Not good. The doctors are starting to talk about C-sections. I'm thinking this is a good thing... but hey... I'm not the one that'd be cut open.

At this point, Julie was open to the C-Section. She just wanted to call her mom and let her know what was going on.

Then some how... after she talked to her mom... she was somehow less open to the c-section. After some talking with the doc's, it was decided to go ahead and get the epidural, and to wait it out... to see if the heart rate didn't stop dropping.

This was of course... the biggest mistake we made. We should've had them do the c-section immediately. It was stupid. Both Jeb, and Julie would be paying the price for it directly. I know... Hind sight's 20/20... and its so nice to say "we made the best decision at the time". But its a cop-out. Julie shoulda been sectioned. Right then.

But she wasn't.

Now... getting an epidural is an experience for anyone... but... when you're an anesthesia resident... well... it gets a little more complicated.

Of course... we called Curt. Curt has a gift. He's one of those guys with no nerves. Largely I think its related to stupidity though. It just never occurs to the boy that failure is possible. In these situations, where they know the patient, anesthesiologists always get squirrelly... They think.. "What if I wet-tap her?"

Not Curt. Ask Curt, "What if you wet-tap her?" He'd just look at you funny and say, "Why would I do that?" Not because he's a smartass... though he is a smartass.... it just doesn't occur to him.

Well.. Curt shows up to do the epidural, but the other resident on call... We'll call him Shack... is pretty much a stud too. He and curt talk about it outside and decide Shack will do it. We didn't care. Shack hadn't wet-tapped anyone in over a year.

Right before he puts the needle in... I look at him and I say... "This is my wife... I love her very much... and I have an extensive firearms collection."

Lookin' back... that was a dumb thing to say.

He gets nervous... He wet-taps her. The attending... Has to come in and fix it all... and Julie spend next couple hours pounding cokes to relieve the worst headache in the history of pain. God bless Caffiene.

So... epidural is in... pain is gone. Unnaturally huge contractions are coming and going... and the only way we know, is by watching the monitor. Julie literally can sleep through them. I don't know if you've ever considered not getting an epidural... but after reading this... I doubt you will again. Remember people... you get them in case something goes wrong.

Well... by this point things have slowed down. Julie's not progressing... and the heart rate is no longer dipping... so apparently the C-section has been takin' off the table. It doesn't look like Jeb's comin' anytime soon... So we send my mom and dad back to our place to drop off their stuff and tend to the dogs.

I guess it was about 45 minutes later... around 10pm monday night... when Julie looks up and says... "I kinda feel like I need to push."

Huh? In two days you've progressed 4 centimeters... and you're gonna tell me in 45 minutes suddenly you're ready to go?

Well.... they checked her.. sure enough.. It was time to rock and roll.


Phone? What the hell?

It was Mom. Our basement was flooded. Can you believe this? What else could go wrong? Hehehe... A lot. Believe me. Cell phones were ringing. Julie's mom was there in the room with us... you can imagine how stressed we were... so that wasn't a good thing... I told mom and dad to forget the basement... it was go time. They needed to get their butts to the hospital.

So... After much confusion, consternation, frustration, and irritation... not to mention some very tense moments between me and the ol' mother-in-law... We settle down for the show to begin.

Turns out there is only a midwife, and her assistant on call... so that's who we're stuck with. There's only 1 OB in the whole hospital and he's already got a couple sections to do. Thank you West Virginia.

Now... please understand. I didn't want to be in this room at all. I wanted to be outside, in the waiting room... WHERE MEN BELONG.

The only reason I was there, was for Julie. I had no interest in seeing a birth. In fact, I was assured that seeing a birth, or being exposed to any of that bidness was simply not a possibility.

This just in! WOMEN LIE!

Seriously. Imagine goin' back to 1710, and telling a man he needed to watch his wife deliver. That's pretty much the same attitude I had. I wanted no part of birthin' no baby.

But there I was.

So Julie pushes... and pushes.... and pushes. We're talking hard pushes here too... My wife's no wimp. Girl is strong like a freak.

And... am I sitting next to her? Uninvolved... just looking at the wall and holding her hand?

Hell no.

This psycho midwife has ME right in the middle of all this! Now what am I gonna do? Am I gonna suck it up, and do what has to be done? Of course I am. So, I go to my happy place... and do what I'm told.

Holy crap man... you people have no idea. They had Julie and I playing tuck of war with a towell while she was pushing! They had all sorts of hippy crap going on... they even tried to get Julie to squat!!!

I don't remember most of it... I just know it was the most horrifying, uncomfortable, and disturbing experience of my life to that point... but that record would soon be blown straight to hell and gone.

At some point... I don't know when exactly... but I noticed my mom was looking very very nervous. After talking to her.. it occured to us... Julie had been pushing for.. oh... 3 hours!

This was not good. Jeb's heart rate was dropping. Things were lookin' scary. The assistant mid-wife went to find the mid-wife... who hadn't been in to check on Julie in over 2 and a half hours... not really her fault mind you... they had 5 deliveries in that time...

While we waited... I remember Julie's mom decided we should all pray together... then... in what has to go down in history as one of the most uncomfortable moments of all time... She lays her hand on Julie's stomach and starts chattering away... some prayer that I swear I've heard Benny Hen spout off... Curt.. My mom.. My dad... we were all in there... and here she is... chatterin' away... Curt later told me... "Oh I was prayin' all right.. I was prayin... Dear Lord! Please keep Nate from throwin' this psycho out that window over there."

When the mid-wife finally came in to check Julie... she was visibily upset. She asked Julie how she felt... Julie was fine though... she coulda pushed for another 2 or 3 hours if she had to, she just wanted to do what was best for Jeb.

The midwife was tryin' to be tactful in a situation that required none.. and it was only makin' things worse...

It was decided that she'd give the suction device a try... so she shoves what amounts to a suction cup attached to a bicycle pump up in my wife, and starts pulling.. It keeps slipping off though, and after the third time.. she calls it off.

Now at this point, the vibe is not good. Everyone knows Jeb needs to come out and come out now. So in a last ditch effort she decides to call up the emergency OB chick to see about a forcep delivery.

So... Have you ever seen these things? The woman wheels in... not a cart... a toolbox. and on it, she lays out an array of 17th century torture devices. She then checks my wife... gives the midwife a dirty look, and says she thinks she can get him.

I can't honestly say I remember what happened next. I just know that at some point I realized that this woman had shoved stainless steel salad spoons about 2 feet into my wife, and she was leaning back... at like a 30 degree angle... occasionally throwing all of her weight back, trying to pull Jeb out. I was looking everywhere but at the action... when I realized... across the room, at exactly the right angle... was a mirror. HOLY CRAP MAN! She's tryin' to pull the kid out by his hips!! At least that's what it looked like. I didn't puke, or passout.. but if I'da been armed I may have shot myself. Seriously... if it weren't for the flask of Knob Creek that came to the hospital with me... I'da never made it.

This horror went on for way to long.

Finally Jeb popped out... so bruised and battered he looked like he was blue from not breathing. The OB who delivered him had blood from head to toe. Everyone immediately took to tending to Jeb... but I couldn't... I'd just seen my wife disemboweled.

I'd love to tell you this is where the story ends... but it doesn't end here at all. In fact... we were discharged on Thursday of that week... and then both Jeb and Julie were readmitted on Friday, afternoon...

The complications from this affair went on for two months...

And I tell you all that... to tell you this...

As far as I'm conserned... Julie gets to push for 15 minutes this time. If we ain't got a baby... They're cuttin' the little bugger out.


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