Wednesday, July 14, 2004

4 Reasons Not to Vote, and a love note to Vox

I've been takin' a lot of grief lately for layin' out of the upcoming "election". I decided I would give y'all some really good reasons why I'm not voting, all of which can be summed up by saying, "There is no one worth voting for."

1) The Democrats suck. They're Godless socialists. We elect any more of them and we may as well just join Canada. That way we can all bleed to death in ER's waiting to be serviced by the excellent government health care system. But what's left of our pay, I mean, allowance, will still buy us a few things right? Kerry is a train wreck. Even if he agreed with me on all the issues, I'd still not vote for him, because he's such a loathsome little prick. He has to be the single most un-likable can'tidate sense Walter Mondale. I really don't need to spend time even talking about these people.

2) The Republicans suck. Largely for the same reasons as the Democrats... as they are just the watered down version. You know what a good word for "compassionate conservative" is? Socialist. Bush is a liberal in conservative clothes. The liberals just hate him because he's not on their team. Voting for Bush would make me feel like I'd sullied my right arm. It's very similar to why I could never have sex with a prostitute. I think to much of my pecker to sully it by stickin' it in something like that... That's how I feel about voting for Bush. I think to much of my hand to sully it by pullin' that lever. Oh... I don't mind his foriegn policy. Are we shooting the very best most dangerous enemies first? Probly not... but we are shooting someone at least, and so I'm not really losing sleep over it. It's not like anyone else is gonna change this policy anyway.

3) The Libertarians suck. First of all, get over yourself people. There's a reason we call it a two-party system. The day a libertarian wins 5 Electorial votes, I'll jump down, spin around, and pick a bail o' cotton outta my ass. As if the futility wasn't bad enough, you have to swallow their baby-killing platform, and their moronic "open borders" idea. Open borders... That sounds like something a delusional teenager drempt up in a chemically induced utopian haze. I'll bet we could all sit around and sing Kum-bah-ya too. The world needs love man! No it doesn't, it needs someone to kick your hippie ass. See those people over there with the diapers on their heads and the pipe bombs strapped to thier chests? They love the idea of open borders. Hell... You think it's a good idea, how about we start with your house. Just go ahead and leave your place wide open and unlocked for the next few months. Let's see how well that works out for ya.

4) The Constitution Party sucks. Re-read the first couple lines of the libertarian rant again, because they apply here too. Remember, it's not the wasted vote arguement. In order for something to be considered waste it had to have value in the first place. I'm gonna give you your choice between two pieces of crap. There are two other pieces of crap too, and you can choose them, but if you do, I'm not actually going to give you the one you chose, I'm just going to randomly pick one of the first two and give you it. Now quick, what is the value of the choice? If you said "Crap", move to the front of the class. If you didn't, you're still an idiot. You can have crap, or you can have crap. And you better choose by God, because you're an American! And my so-and-so died so you could have a say in what Crap you're given. Whatever dude. Save it. It's all crap, and I don't want any of it. If I was gonna choose crap though, it damned sure wouldn't be the kind that calls itself the Constitution Party, then perpetuates one of the most agregious violations of constitutionaly protected rights there is; The War on Drugs.

So there you have it! I give you your grand choice: Crap C, Crap D, Crap L, or Crap R. Flush 'em all.

Oh.. and before I go... Vox.. you're pretty fond of a little saying. "Tell it to the whigs!". Ah what a battle cry! It summons up images of the possibility of rebellion within the politcal world... Sadly its inaccurate. The Whigs were never anything to be feared, and calling them well organized is simply ignoring history. We're talking about a party that lasted an astounding 16 years, from 1834 to 1850. That's the official story anyway, though the initial party coalition actually started in 1824, when some boys got together to try to whip Andy Jackson (Tennessean by the way). I suppose we could give them credit for 26 years then huh? So... the disentigration of a party that's 20 something years old, that never won a national election, and was so disorganized it actually ran several guys against each other in the Presidential Race, is supposed to be a model for the destruction of a party that's been around and off and on since 1780, and continually since 1854? Doesn't sound so inspiring now does it? Lord man, you're talking about a party who's biggest claim to fame was Henry Clay gettin' his ass kicked by Polk.


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