Tuesday, July 06, 2004

The Worst Movies Ever Made

There are certain types of movies that I just can't stand. Any movie that exists solely for the "lifetime network" crowd, I have no use for. Modern comedies like "Something about Mary", "Road Trip", and "American Pie" repulse me. Last but not least are the drama/suspense flicks, that are so incredibily predictable. So.. let's get started:

As always... in no particular order:

Titanic: The Worst Movie Ever, period. As if the preening and prancing from the little pretty boy wasn't enough, they sank the fricken boat wrong. Hey quick, what's the heaviest part of the boat? Right.. the engines.. and where are they? At the back? Right. Now what was sticking up in the air? Morons.

Pearl Harbor: My wife rented this. I refused to even give it a chance. She turned it off proclaiming that it was stupid, and everyone involved was stupid. She said every guy in the movie was a pussy. That's good enough for me to put it on the list.

Contact: What the hell did this movie have to do with the book? I mean besides the name? Christians hate scientists? what? that's a plot? trash.

Deep Impact: Oh.. I see.. we're going to try to make a serious movie... about a giant rock about to destroy the earth. right. See, Armageddon understood that it was a stupid summer movie. This abomination actually tried to focus on emotion, and what it ended up being is just a pathetic lifetime movie.

Seven: Pitt's wife shows up, my brother and I look at each other and say, "she's dead." and of course, she was. She served no other purpose. She developed no character, and her character didn't help develope anyone else's. She may as well have been wearing a red shirt with "I die at the end" on it. Oh.. and when we have the crazy guy in the car... is he confronted by Morgan Freeman? Nooo... We have to sit and watch brad pitt try to emote... something...

Something about Mary: Oh.. you laughed? You thought it was funny? Moron. Answer me this, can you see Dan Akroid pulling that spooge on the ear stunt? No. You know why? Because he's funny. He doesn't need to resort to that crap to make you laugh. You don't laugh at modern comedies because they are funny. You laugh because you can't believe they actually did that.

The Matrix Revolutions: A greater self-implosion I've never seen. Such a grand example of, we have this cool idea for a movie with all these cool symbols and conflicts... but we have no idea where it's going. In the end, it was going no where. The undefeatable Neo gets his ass kicked twice inside the Matrix. There's a rehashed lobby scene. You sit on the edge of your seat the whole movie... waiting for something to happen... and it never does.

more to come.

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