Sunday, May 23, 2004

Avoid the Demon Bush

Now by now y'all have probably figgered out that I am one of those guys that things just happen to. I do admit though, that sometimes, I have gone lookin' for those things. Well this yarn I'm about to unfold is one of those times. Now I ain't never seen no queen in her damned undies, but after this... I can say that I've seen somthin' everbit as stupifying as that, so I can die knowing the Good Lord didn't jip me.

I was about 10 or 11 or so, and we lived in this small town where, pretty much nothin' ever happened. Well... when you're young and bored, sometimes you hear rumors that you just have to investigate. This of course is also where the old line about curiousity and a cat gets its teeth!

So anyway in our little town there was only one, "holy roller" church, Good Sheppard, they called it. Now I had always gone to the staunch straight laced UMC where you didn't dare cough, so the rumors I was hearin' about this church were.... a little unbelievable.

Well, being young and ignorant, my friend and I decided to check it out one day. We dressed up, but not to much, and head on over there just in time for the service. We found a seat on the back row, and settled in for the show. Now I admit, what we were doing was foolish, and disrespectful, but hey... we were just dumb kids.

Anyway... they hollered and wailed and danced and shouted for the better part of two hours, and me and my friend had just about had enough. It had gone from being freaky, to funny, and now it was gettin' a little creepy.

The preacher was talkin about demons and the presence of demon right there in the church. Before I know it... one of the women in the congregation commenses to shakin' and such. She was floppin' around and gruntin' and what not, and I'll be honest, I was late for the door. Problem was, my heart was willing, but my feet were to damned scared to move.

Well the next thing I know a few people help this woman up to the alter, where the preacher starts talkin about an excorsism. Oh hell.... here we go.... Now the Preacher's hollerin' and shakin water on the woman, and she's screamin', and everyone in the congregation is standin' up shouting this and that.... everyone cept me and my friend... We're sayin a-WHOLE-nuther kind of prayer.

Even so i couldn't take my eyes off the car wreck up at the alter. Believe me when I say that I understand what morbid curiousity is. Things had worked themselves into a real fever pitch up there. The preacher had his hand on the woman's forehead and he was shouting, "Save Thy Servant Lord!" then the next thing I know... it happened...

Someone slid a bucket under that poor woman... and she pissed right there into it in front of God and everbody!

Did you read that? She pissed in a bucket. A bucket. Pissed right in it. When she was... done... she started to collapse but some men caught her and laid her on the front pew, while the women carried the bucket outside and threw it on the bushes. From the talk and the preacher's instant replay we learned that she had pee'd out the demon.

Of course by now the only thought goin through my head was... How'd that woman know not to wear panties today? Apparently this was not an uncommon experience at that church... and I can tell ya one thing.. on my way out I gave them bushes a wide birth. Ain't no tellin' how many demon's was fertilizin' them things.

No comments: