Tuesday, May 25, 2004

Women: Episode II

In every marriage there is an enormous list of tasks, devided into two columns; Girl Jobs, and Boy Jobs. It's important to remember though, that each item on the list must be tended to, so if it's a boy job, and you don't get it done, then she has to do it. Now there are to many jobs to list individually. The best thing to do is to understand what constitutes a Boy Job, so when one comes up, you can recognize it, and handle it.

Let's start with some basic concepts, in no particular order mind you:

1) Women are confounded by machines. Machines are magic to them. It either works, or it doesn't work, and why or how means nothing to them, they just want it to work, and they need to be as simple as possible. So what can we deduce here? Anything that involves power tools is a boy's job. Anything that involves a machine that's finicky is a boys job. If the machine has a choke, she doesn't want to fool with it. If the machine involves more than two operations to start it, she doesn't want to fool with it. So.. specifically then: The car is a boy's job. The lawnmower, the weed-eater, the recipricating saw, the chainsaw, the computer, the furnace and the toilet, and anything involving their maintenence or use, is your job. Note: not maintainence AND use, maintainance OR use... it can be both, but not always. The girl wants to be able to use the car and the toilet, she just doesn't want to fix them when they break, or do anything to keep them from breaking.

2) Threats. We're the Lions boys. Anything that is a threat, real or percieved, is a boy's job. If she's scared of it, or worried about it, you better bet your ass you will be expected to deal with it. Rats, Roaches, Mice, Snakes, Birds, Rapists, Mormon's at the door, Spiders, Fire, Flood, Angry Dogs, or Rabid Feminists if it scares her or the kids, you have to kill it, or chase it away. Any measures taken to prevent these types of things from happening or coming around are also up to the Boy's.

3) Feats of Strength or Dexterity: We're faster, Stronger, and Tougher. So anything that requires strenth is our job. It's true that women often have a better since of balance than we do, but we're the ones built to take a fall. This should be self-explanitory. If you are calling your wife to open a particularly stuborn jar, then you are hopeless, your wife is cheating on you, and you deserve it.

4) Providing for the Family: This isnt an issue when times are good. This isn't about getting rich, it's about basic security. Someone has to bring food to the table, and the ultimate responsibility for that is the man's. Now, if you were smart enough to marry a doctor and retire at 29 like I did, then good on ya. But, that doesn't relieve you of your responsibility. You see, if the shit hits the fan, and she can't get a job, it's ultimately up to ME to go get the food. I either better be able to grow it, or kill it, or be willing to do the lowest form of hard labor imaginable, if it's necessary to provide for our family. It's fine if she has a job... but if things run short, its up to the boy to make it right.

5) Responsibility: Any ultra-huge decision is ultimatly the boy's job. This isn't because we're smarter, it's again, because she doesn't want it. If she has it, it's because you mistakenly let her take it from you, when she really didn't want to take it in the first place. When you're about to climb a rope, you'll jerk on it once or twice. Not because you want it to fall down, but because you are making sure its strong enough to hold you.

Yes. I am well aware that we have not yet covered girl's jobs. I'm not writing this so women can understand men though am I? I may cover girl's jobs next... or I may go on to something else... I will eventually get to it though.

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