Friday, May 14, 2004

I don't drink on Wednesdays

There's a very good reason that reasonable people do not get loaded on wednesday nights. This unfortunate story, is how I learned to be a reasonable person.

Back in I guess... 1999, we were living in Memphis, while Julie was in med school. I was working at a local morgtage company, effectively running the joint.

Well, on this particular wednesday, my wife invited a couple of friends over... The infamous Patty and Doby. Now we loved these two, but one thing that you had to know abou them; They could drink.

Well we made a great feast and had a festive time with them. They brought bottle of wine, and of course, we drank it, and another, and some beer, and then we started playing taboo. Now I don't particularly care for taboo myself. In fact, I was far more interested in the Knob Creek. So much so that I downed an iced-tea glass full of it. Once I was out of whiskey, I commenced to searchin' out the tequila.

Julie didn't really mind this, except that my drunkeness was a serious impairment to our competitive gaming. My wife cannot tolerate losing at taboo. As I was to soon learn.

To give you an idea of how drunk I was, my wife took the bottle of tequila out of my hand, and placed it across the table, and then told me she had hid it from me. I wondered all over the house looking for it. Sadly, I remember that.

Things get interesting when, after I've been gone for about a half-hour, my wife decides she better go find me. Sure enough, I was right where you'd expect me to be. Curled up on the bathroom floor asleep. The last thing I remember of that night, was Doby trying to carry me to my bed. I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a man carry me to bed. So I fought him off, and walked to bed like a man dammit.

The next thing I know its morning, and my head doesn't hurt nearly as bad as it should. Wait a second... somethings got me! what the hell is this crap? the covers are all tight around me! Gah!

I fought with the covers and finally took off the blue lace teddy that was... what? oh shit... Why was I wearing a blue lace teddy? And what the hell is in my hair? Oh nice.. a matching blue bow..

I pulled up the covers to find myself also wearing blue panties. Son of a bitch. So I strip all this shit off, and start to climb back in the bed where I belong, trying not to think about what must've gone on the night before, but knowing that a camera must've been invovled...


Shit. Phone.


Work. Shit.


"Hello. Yes ma'am. Are you sure you typed the password in right? ok... I know I'm late.. I'll be there soon."

Great. So I get up, put on a baseball hat, bluejeans, and a t-shirt and drive off to work. Stupid work. I get there, and find that the severe network issue that I desperately needed to solve ammounted to a mistyped password. Needless to say I was in a bad mood.

I had just sat down at my desk to start the most desperately needed cup of coffee of my entire life, when Thelma walked up behind me. Now Thelma could be your grandmother. That's the way she looks, and acts, and talks. And this sweet old woman said...

"You have a rough night lastnight Nate?"

"What would make ya say that Thelma?"

"Well... You're still wearin' the eyeliner."

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