Friday, May 07, 2004

Wife Training

Now girls, before you get your little panties in a wad, do remember that I'm probably not talking about you. I'm writing this to help the poor guys out there who weren't smart enough to marry girls like you.

So guys, you have a wife who nags all the time. You can't sit down and watch one game a week without her coming in and bitching about God knows what. You have a honey-do list 7 miles long, and every time you get one project done, she adds two or three more. She is arguementative, she insults you constantly, and she generally tries to rule your home like a tyrant.

Ok. That's what wrong. So how do you fix it? This is where doctor phil tells you the problem is actually you. He'd say if you actually did more or empathized more or she would be nicer, because all this results from her stress. Of course, doctor phill is an idiot. It is about stress but it has nothing to do with you. It is about her. No matter how much work you do, no matter how much you reach out and try to talk, she's just going to get worse. That's what you don't do. This is what you do:

1) If there is a project she wants done that she nags about, you don't do it. The more she nags, the more you don't do it.

2) If there is a project that she wants done that she is not nagging about, you do it.

3) When she starts a fight, and starts insulting you and talking to you like you are a kid, stop her immediately. Simply say, "Adults don't talk to each other this way. You will not speak to me like that." End the conversation right then. Do not continue until she approaches you in a desirable manner.

4) If you have kids, never, never, never fight in front of them. If your wife starts a fight, or starts bitching in front of them, excuse yourselves from them. Take her to your room, and explain the new rules. No fighting in front of the kids. Period. Explain that the rules don't just apply to her. Explain that if you start a fight that she is expected to take the matter elsewhere just like you have just done.

5) Destroy the honey-do list. Tell her you never want to see one again.

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